Infinity Exhaustion

It's understandable that our days are a lot more exhausting than they used to be because of this bundle of joy, apple of our eye, cutey patootey....

but this weekend taught us a whole other level of exhaustion, one I have tokened (just now mind you) as infinity exhaustion.

Normally, a nap helps mitigate the intermittent sleep through the night and normally, my days involve boob feeding, sleeping, eating, reading, watching tv, talking on the phone, browsing the internet, a walk around the neighborhood, and some cleaning.

This weekend, we had three big events on Saturday and two big events on Sunday and these "events" came with short naps that did not alleviate the fatigue caused, resulting in a very tired mommy me.

Our family and friends came into town for Jordan's one month Chinese celebration and baby blessing. We started our Saturday morning with lunch in Little Tapei (Monterey Park), followed by a trip to a free carnival complete with bouncy obstacle courses, carousel swings, pony rides, cotton candy, popcorn, sno cones and a train ride! Jordan had a fabulous time in his stroller and slept through the whole thing while our nieces, Sophie and Violet, enjoyed themselves with Sophie going on the pony ride and the carousel swings! We were able to catch a quick respite before heading over to my hometown for a one month dinner celebration.

My way too generous friends, who have brought over gifts for Jordan every time they have visited (which has been 3 times over the last 4 weeks) brought more gifts again. They just are incapable of showing up empty handed but I am so grateful for their excitement, generosity and excellent taste!

My BFF Grace, aka the sister I never had (until Tammy came along that is...) got Jordan and me a CD with nursery rhymes and songs - how exciting since all I can recall is twinkle twinkle little star and part of the itsy bitsy spider... hehe
Julia and her husband Eric got us a jellycat rabbit from Yolk (hipster Silverlake store with really cute gift wrapping!) since Jordan was born in the year of the golden rabbit and 28 dollars for him being 28 days old (we had our one month celebration a few days early). This is on top of the two packs of Pampers they brought us, three pints of gelato, dozen of mini Dot's cupcakes (I know, I'm spoiled by my friends) and delicious - no scrumptious and mouthwatering homemade mac n cheese, cheese puff pastries and gooey cheesy and garlicy french bread! I'm bummed I didn't get a photo with the Chins but they are now infamous in our family and being invited to all our family "potlucks" and were even offered room and board if they flew out to Utah with their cooking creations.

My dad, true to the Asian stereotype, took a bunch of photos but Andy's uncle Ike, a professional photographer, took over some of the camera taking and we got a bunch of photos with everyone! My favorite photo of Jordan from the one month with OGO*.
He just looks so comfortable in OGO's arms. The first official photo with both sets of grandparents!

The set menu was a very traditional Shanghai banquet so I was not shocked when my brother in law and even husband were a little scared off by the sea cucumber but I was shocked when our friends Jeff and Passelly tried almost everything! The menu was even authentic for me but I'm glad there were some adventurous eaters! Needless to say, I was way to stuffed after the trio of desserts - eight treasure rice (my favorite!) sesame rice balls and slices of oranges that Yogurtland (which is right next door!) was only a distant and now unattainable dream. *sigh

That night, my infinity exhaustion began. Everyone was outside watching I Am Number Four and it wasn't that late, but I could smell the sweetness of sleep and I was OUT. But after a feeding at 4 AM, I could not fall asleep again. So unable to sleep, I started revamping our blog. Big mistake. Adrenaline still on my side, I took a shower at 6:30 AM, fed Jordan at 7 AM and realized, my timing is way off. Given his two hour feeding schedule, he would be hungry at .. precisely... 9 AM - which is when Church starts and the baby blessings are always towards the beginning of the Sacrament hour! Oh no! To counteract his hunger, I fed him again at 8:20 AM and kept my fingers crossed.

I was nervous whether my parents, brother, aunt and Grace would make it on time. I didn't want to pressure them about being punctual (given my own track record) but knew if they showed up a bit late, they could miss it all! As we drove into the parking lot, I saw my dad - couldn't miss him in his black dress shirt and red tie. We walked in and I saw my mom, brother, aunt and not far away, Grace was walking towards me in a cute vintage blouse, slacks and a bright turquoise sweater (she had been unsure what to wear and proudly told me she picked out a good conservative outfit for "church"). I breathed a short sigh of relief and was excited for them to be at Church with me - this was a first for me as well as them and throughout the meeting, I tried my best to explain to Grace what was going on just like someone had done for me my first time at Church but technically, it wasn't Grace's first time at an LDS Sacrament meeting. She had been to once at the Singles Ward to listen to me give a talk but now I was sitting next to her and able to give her more insight into the Sacrament prayer and sing the hymns with her.

The blessing was absolutely beautiful and touching. Andy blessed Jordan to grow, learn, know that his parents and Heavenly Father loved him, to choose the right, gain his own testimony, desire to do good, serve others, serve the Lord, find a good wife, get married in the Temple, be a good husband, be a good father, and devote his life to the Lord. Since I didn't grow up in any Church, it's hard to explain what a baby blessing is to my friends who did as they often ask me if it's a baby baptism. Not having seen a baby baptized before, all I respond with is that in our Church, revelation has advised us not to let children get baptized until they are eight, the age of accountability.

A baby blessing is a sacred, happy and family happy ordinance within our Church that is similar to the blessing that Jesus gave to the little children in Mark 10:16. When Christ did this, he had the authority from our Heavenly Father which we in the Church have through the Melchizedek Priesthood. It is a privilege for Jordan to be given his name and blessed by his father who holds the priesthood and that our son is recognized by God. Maybe Jordan knew this because he was an absolute angel during the blessing - not a peep, not even a poop or gassy moan/grunt that he often lets out.

However, Jordan was unable to stay quiet throughout the entire one hour and ten minutes of Sacrament meeting and about 15 minutes towards the end, he started moaning, grunting and farting. Maybe the sound was magnified to Grace and me because we both freaked out, and left to change him. After changing him, we realized he was hungry and I realized that my dress was not conducive to feeding him! We gave him a little bottle of boob milk and then, rushed to get a photo with the family before going home. It was cold outside and everyone was everywhere and of course, this photo depicts the frenzy in mommy me as I am trying to calm Jordan and get the family over for a photo together.
A picture can say a thousand words. Priceless isn't it?

Luckily we got everyone (except Zach who was running around somewhere) into a photo but unluckily, my bangs were a mess - attempted tuck behind the ears that puffed up resulting in a very odd little extra loop of hair that is in EVERY photo! Ack!

I wore red shoes to match Andy's red tie but the photo didn't capture it... bummer.

L-R back row: My brother Ray, Andy's dad Dennis, Andy, Jordan, me, Andy's sister Tammy, our niece Violet, Andy's mom May, our niece Sophie, brother-in-law Jeff, cousin Luke, Uncle James; L-R front row: My dad Hung, mom, Dee, BFF Grace, Aunt Jan, Uncle Ike, cousin Ania, cousin AJ, cousin Emily, Aunt Monica... and somewhere in the grass nearby Zach is running around.

After the blessing, we went home to get the house ready. Our delicious meal consisted of Cafe Rio barbacoa salad/burritos, mac n cheese, cheese puffs, french bread, a strawberry and blueberry dessert, a Cathy's Bakery Chinese chocolate strawberry cake and tons of drinks (we never have drinks at our house besides water so that was exciting too!). It was a great time with our family and friends and everyone overloaded on carbs with the freshly made cheese puffs (which kept coming out of the oven in batches so we just kept eating them).

Infinity exhaustion hit me again that night as I once again, was OUT while the family watched a movie together - this time an 80's flick - Mannequin!

Oh sleep, how I have missed you. Regardless of the infinity exhaustion, I had a blast this weekend! I am so grateful for all of our family who made it out. Infinity exhaustion and infinity fun!

*OGO - "oh great one," a phrase coined by Andy's dad for his grandkids to address him instead of Grandfather or Grandpa.

Jordan Here and There

I Looked Down and Saw....

Most females eat their heart out when their pregnant somehow thinking it's okay because they are pregnant. The myth of "eating for two" has us indeed eating for 2 despite it being more like eating for 1.5. Given the nausea and the obvious belly growth, there is no shame from looking bloated or bigger because hey, there's a growing human in there!

I myself tried to stay healthy. I attempted to cut out empty carbs and maintain a sense of balance through nutritional foods heavy with protein, dairy, fruit and grains. I carried around a big bottle of water everywhere I went and almonds, craisins, Kashi bars and granola bars for fear of ever getting hungry (which when pregnant, is magnified to the nth degree and feels like the world is going to end if you don't eat right when hunger strikes). However, at work, given Girl Scout cookie season trickled in right around my second trimester and the executive assistants who sit right outside my office had a variety to offer on their desks, I found myself having an average of two girl scout cookies per day. When I was at the client sit, things were no better. Gone were the EAs with their tempting Girl Scout cookies and in its place, was a desk full of Costco "busy season" snacks. Since lunch was always delayed due to meetings or the lack of decision making on our team, the proximity of the Costco snacks (think two steps away from our Conference table) often led to me indulging on peanut butter m&ms, wheat thins, red vines and fortune cookies.

To offset the unhealthy eating habits I picked up while pregnant, I tried to consistently exercise starting from the second trimester (once the nausea which kept me lying in bed surpassed) through walking, my Bar Method Pregnancy DVD, visiting the nearby gym for the elliptical machine, or walking the 100+ steps at Angel's Flight used to get to my downtown office for those days when I worked downtown. It felt good to work out and it was always amusing when I got stares from others at the gym because of my lump of posterity in my abdomen.

I knew none of the above would really prepare me for the moment I looked down and saw what was still there after the baby had made its exit into the world. I had been told by many that looking down would mean seeing yourself at about 5 months pregnant except much more flabby. I knew the stomach would not magically shrink to its pre-pregnancy form but like many, I still hoped to be an exception.

After the joy of holding my newborn had passed, after all the phone calls, e-mails and texts had been sent (technology complicated the amount of work we had to do with contacting others!), after all the photos and videos had been taken, after we had counted his fingers and toes and reveled in the pure delight of welcoming Jordan into this world, after I was all sewn and ready to be transported to the maternity room, after all the excitement had died down, I looked down and saw....a floppy stomach - smaller than my 38 weeks pregnant state, but definitely like they called it - more like my 25 week pregnant state.

Over the last two weeks, I have watched my weight drop drastically - the baby lightened my load by 10 pounds the first few days and then the shrinking uterus and water offloading had me decrease by another 10 pounds. And then, just like that, I was 15 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight until my lack of effort was thwarted with the delicious treats everyone began to bring us as they visited.

My wedding rings still don't fit. My "fat pants" are snug and I have not even tried to fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes that fit "just right" at my pre-pregnancy weight and size (it would be a sad and terrifying moment). Instead, I am looking forward to my 6 week postpartum appointment and the go ahead from my doc to start working out again. I am looking forward to my bar method non-pregnancy dvds, doing exercises on my abs, doing exercises on my back, and gearing up to get back to my pre-pregnancy body. I'm not sure if it's possible, but I am sure going to try. I have asked for shape-ups or ree-tones, I have an aggressive plan to walk with Jordan up and down the hills of our neighborhood and I have all my old exercise DVDs that are now like new since it's been so long!

It's been hard to not have the ability to just get up and work out. It's been hard to know my body is still healing and I should rest before I aim to get back in shape. I can't run faster than I have strength right? Right, if only I could remember that... (Mosiah 4:20) I'm hoping that when all's done, I will be able to say, I looked down and saw... NOTHING! or a SIX PACK of abs! hahaha

Hair Hair Everywhere!

Besides having my hair shaved at 100 days, I had long hair for my entire childhood. But when I was sixteen, I decided to abandon the old and welcome a new me and cut my hair above my shoulder. I loved it! It cut down my shower time and my expert hair stylist made it so easy to take care of-all I had to do was wash it in the morning, let it air dry and wa-la - DONE! No weird kinks here or there, only a perfect little bob of a haircut. During this time, I got really experimental upon discovering hair mascara and temporary punk color hair spray. Sadly, a year passed and though my hair had grown significantly, it paled in comparison to the once long hairstyle I had. I continued on my path of fun spunky hair and I sported tiny braids held together only with gel, emphasized with my temporary neon pink hair spray, wannabe hip-hop hair - bits tied with tiny rubber bands all over the top with the hair down and last but not least, the staple of the late 90's- butterfly clips . I had hair mascara in blonde, purple, blue and pink and even glitter aerosol just for my hair. This makes me think of all the iridescent clothing I had (blue/gray slacks, red/black denim jacket, etc.), yes the late 90's were fun - think Dawson's Creek and Buffy the Vampire Slayer... hehe.

When I got to college, I missed my long locks so with that, I grew it out. Long hair and I were quite happy for a few years, so much so that we even got adventurous with a complimentary free red hair dye job and a blonde out of the box hair dye (it didn't turn blonde, it was just brownish). But all that would change when I found out about it.

It was something a lot of my friends did in college. It came with a free hair cut. It was a generous thing to do. I wanted to try it. Everyone was doing it! I knew it might not be that great and I knew it would have consequences for my fragile hair but I could not avoid wanting to do it. So... I did it.

It was called Locks of Love and it donated your hair to kids with cancer. I felt good about donating my hair... until I realized how seriously short my hair was. It wasn't like my high school cut that was easy to take care of. Instead, this one kinked here and there, involved an extensively involved blow out or an iron curler and for someone as lazy as me when it came to hair and make-up or lack thereof, it was unacceptable. To make matters worse, I had this short haircut during my busiest time of the year at work and given the overtime of hours and lack of sleep, hair was the last thing I wanted to spend time doing in the morning. So I put it into a ponytail but since it was too short for a real ponytail and I looked like a chicken. It was highly unprofessional and quite mortifying.

I thought, well, I might as well try to grow out my hair now and I will save the option of having short hair for the future.

I'm in the future now! Sort of...

Well, since I didn't get the chance to go to the salon the day before I had Jordan, I now am facing the option of short or long hair for my next haircut? And I've come to the conclusion that I will go with medium length hair because though everyone says short hair is mom hair, short hair is harder to maintain than one thinks!

And this is what I have been pondering during today's boob feedings.

I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt....

Too sexy for my shirt so much it hurts!!




Blue steel!

Pastries, cupcakes and cake - OH MY! Farts, poop and blowouts - OH DEAR!

I don't like brownies. Never have. They're too rich with chocolate (not a huge chocolate fan, like sour candy more...) and slightly resemble poop, yet I continue eating 'em every time someone gives me a chance. Call me unbiased. I also am not a huge fan of cupcakes. Sure, they look cute and enticing and who can resist the well adorned icing and picture perfect image of a mini-cupcake you can just pop into your mouth in one tiny bite? I'm not sure what it is but my palate has never fully enjoyed the sweetness of a cupcake. Upon eating one, I usually have an "oh too sweet" grumbling in my stomach and immediate regret for eating the darn sweet thing. But bring me a cupcake, and you would never know because I will still gladly eat it without hesitation and will in fact oodle over how adorable it is as I'm devouring it. This is part of my "eat everything given to you" or avoidance of being pian shi Chinese upbringing. And I've concluded the other part is because of the conditioning "Chinese cake" and Chinese dessert - normally orange slices or watermelon, has given me all whilst growing up.

What's Chinese cake you ask? Why, it's glorious! First, it's not that sweet. Second, it almost always has fruit in between layers with a very light soft cream (not icing, but creamy cream). My favorite is a soft angel sponge cake, except it's much lighter and in fact, feels like you're eating air. No, not tasteless free open space air. But very decadent, coveted and flavorful air that just glimmers your tongue with a speck of sweeetness that melts on your tongue, having you wanting more. In fact, it's probably calorie free! .... maybe not, but maybe?....?

No matter what affinity I have for what type of sweets, I eat 'em all and my dear friends know this as they came over to celebrate my 29th birthday with Andy, Jordan and me last night. Julia, who is still working a lot with all her tax deadlines, came between one client and her way back to the client, bringing us a dozen mini cupcakes from Dot's! Meanwhile, Grace and Drea came over for dinner and brought Porto's cheese rolls and a Chinese strawberry shortcake wannabe cake from my favorite bakery in Arcadia, Cathy's Bakery (right across from Yogurtland and next to Sinbala in the Baldwin complex, and I say wannabe because it is just not as sweet as a regular strawberry shortcake). We caught up, talked, and I tried to feed Jordan with the boob cover (ultimate fail), gave up and went inside to feed him while trying to continue conversation with my friends from Jordan's room. For most of the night, we obsessed over Jordan, how small he was, how cute he was, how alert he was and then took a million photos of him and my friends, all currently without child, observed three poops, a geyser of peep attack me and his first blowout ever.

The first blowout. A time to remember. A time to cherish. A time to laugh.

The timing of Jordan's first blowout was impeccable. Keep in mind my girlfriends had already been inquiring about the texture of the poop and as Andy and I attempted to explain how his poop could fire missiles at my face, the explanation fell short of actually witnessing it. As they did, it all became too clear and they giggled with the excitement of little girls as they watched from afar, clenching onto the fact that distance would keep them shielded. Following all this, we took photos in front of the cake. As I sat down between Grace and Drea, we thought, why not have Jordan in the photo too? Andy handed him over to us and as he got the camera ready to shoot, we suddenly heard it. And since I was holding him, I felt it. And priceless is the photo that captured our reactions as we realized and seconds later, a liquidy substance on my hand implied he indeed had a blowout! Andy quickly took over as I washed my hands and then joined him to assess the damage.

What a night to remember. My first birthday with a husband and a son and it was indeed... a blowout!
Pun intended.

Resemblance of Normalcy

My best friend is trying to start her own business and works from coffee shops in order to avoid working from her tiny shared studio with her fiancee, who also works from home most days. When she quit her job in February this year, a typical Corporate one that she had since graduating from Berkeley in 2004, it was a huge risk, but something she was determined to do. I watched in amazement and gave her my full support as she entered into the next stage of her life as an entrepreneur. From time to time, she would call me during the day and we would chat about her days which were all entirely up to her. Would she do some research, work on the patent, visit manufacturers, work on her branding, marketing, etc.? The sky was the limit but overall, it was quite redundant, and mundane. Some days, she was productive and came away feeling accomplished while other days she slugged along, wondering what she had done. She longed for the companionship of co-workers she had given up when quitting her job. She longed for the established routines, deadlines and normalcy in her old job. She longed for the expected paycheck and understood her role as a manager.

In general, our lives have paralleled each other. We grew up in a small community and upon graduating high school, went off to our separate schools far away from our hometown (maybe not by distance for me but by culture and expectation - definitely!). While she was at Berkeley, experiencing the life of multiple piercings and hippie granola-ville, I was tucked away in the small village of Claremont, experiencing the life of hoity toity conservative independence. We both had our first experiences with "white people" in college (we grew up in a predominately Asian area) and realized hey, they're not so different. We both had our first experiences "partying" in college. We both had our "first serious boyfriend" in college. We both slumped in grades our freshman year and then picked it up our junior year upon realizing we needed a job to enter the "real world" post graduation. We both got the "Corporate America" jobs we desired. We both learned what it meant to be a single hard working "professional woman". We both learned the perks of traveling with "the Firm". We both wondered if our "careers" were right for us.

And upon this next chapter in her life, it seemed we were finally on different tracks.

But were we really?

Though she can't relate to my boob feeding routine, the poopy diapers or information overload of baby milestones, we can now relate to one another even more than before. As I long for a resemblance of normalcy in my daily routine, I am seemingly in the same place she was when she first transitioned out of her old job. Though my break is just maternity leave, I am overjoyed when I get to go run a small errand out of the house, when friends come to visit and so intoxicated with love and happiness when friends and even strangers from Church come bearing food, diapers, and baby clothes. And suddenly, the smallest resemblance of normalcy makes me happy.

Some days, I am frustrated wondering when he will be done - even fascinating in my mind that if I were to invent a machine that could measure how much boob fed babies eat, I would be a millionaire! Other days, I can't believe he's finished so fast and I want to treasure his little eyes opening and looking at me while he grubs. Most days, I am elated that there is one thing that only I can provide for him right now (though he doesn't realize this and will try to suck anyone's chest when held and hungry). I just have to remind myself that the some days are just "some" and the "most days" are what I look forward to and should surround myself with.

Unbelievably so, my BFF wanted her own chance at starting her own business and yet, at times, may find herself longing for her old job instead of realizing this is her living her dream. Unbelievably so, I sometimes feel sorry for myself, chained to my son's feeding schedule instead of being grateful for this moment when he needs so much of me. We are both lucky to have this opportunity - her to take a stab at her own idea brought to life and me to be a mom! Because no matter how different it may be from what we expected, we wanted this and we chose this.

We just can't forget that. Her or me. No matter how much a resemblance of normalcy we may desire, we have to remember that this is our normal now and normal is what we make of it. And hey, having the eternal perspective helps too because no matter how hard it gets, I know I can do it. And I know she can do it too.