Don't Look Back

I started my daily scripture study by watching the above video.  I've always loved the story of Lot's wife because it was one I can so sadly relate to.  As I left the me of the past behind and became a Mormon, I changed a lot.  It's been a while so it's not a huge deal but the past haunts me a lot.  I have this ridiculously good memory about inane things, and so I can remember a lot of life in my 20's when life was quite different than what it is now.  I know without a doubt that once the Spirit communicated to me, there was happiness I never knew in the gospel and an understanding I have that I didn't always before.  But that doesn't mean I don't still have doubts.  About if it was just a fleeting emotion because it was something new.  About all the stuff that just requires a bit more faith than I'm able to have right now.  

Recently, I've had a few conversations with friends who are LDS as they asked me about what it was like to drink alcohol before.  A lot of times, LDS folk will say, oh if I weren't LDS, I'd definitely be a coffee addict or I'd definitely be an alcoholic.  Some even comment about what kind of "beer" drinkers they'd be based on the marketing they've seen.  I tell them that beer is an acquired taste and wine sort of is too.  If I compare it to the first time they drank ice tea - oh wait, Momos don't drink ice tea, so then I say... umm diet coke?  That seems to ring a bell. Mormons friggin love Diet Coke and Diet Dr. Pepper.  But honestly, who loves Diet Coke the first time they drink it (besides my two year old?)  I tell them that jungle juice, or basically any concoction with hard A and something to tone it down (think margarita though a little saltier or Long Island ice tea or pina colada) it tastes just like the virgin ones you drink, because hello, that's why people drink it - it tastes so good and you can't taste the alcohol and the next thing you know, you're done for.  But most people don't drink those things outside of college or the first few years after college graduation at a bachelor or bachelorette party because they aren't really sustainable.  They're so full of sugar that most people end up having a bacardi and diet coke or red bull and vodka.  Okay, see what I mean.  I can just get going and then all I'm doing is living in my past of alcoholic days.  I digress.

The truth is, I'm not really good at talking to people at parties without being a little buzzed.  Six years later, I'm still learning how to have a conversation at a party without a little alcohol to assist me.  The truth is, I do miss the bubbly delight of a mimosa early in the morning, or the chic coolness of holding an apple martini, but then there's Martinelli's and martinis aren't even cool anymore (apparently, Moscow mules took over a few years ago, and yes I do wish I knew what they tasted like but I don't).  I guess trends change and tastes change, but looking back at it, well, it's just plain silly.

I'd like to learn from my past, but not dwell in it.  Though I left behind a really fun world, I got an even better one.  I'm excited for 2016 and all the adventures in store for our family.  I'm excited about still being Mormon and knowing that I still have a lot to learn, even though I'll probably always feel like the new convert, still trying to figure things out.

The hardest part lately has been the realization that as my kids grow up, how will I be a good Mormon mom to give them a good balance of what I think are great principles and what I think might be too much Mormon cultural jibberish?  I want my sons to be Eagle Scouts, but I've also heard the debates from supporters and not so avid supporters (all Momo).  I've never been a teenage girl who was LDS, so even though my super strict Chinese mom didn't let me have a boyfriend until I was 16, it's just a coincidence that I kind of great up like a Mormon (newsflash: Mormons girls are encouraged not to date until 16, and then to go on group dates then and not take anything too serious... ummm, sounds like being Chinese to me).  At the same time, my parents never talked to me about sex, so when Andy had a talk with Jordan (who is 4) about how he should try to shield his eyes if he sees a naked girl on TV, I was at a loss.  Growing up, we made crude jokes about things we didn't understand, yet we were all naive and most of us just thought "sex" was when the lights went out in a movie and covered our eyes as we giggled anyway.  We also probably ran around screaming sexual obscenities that our Asian immigrant parents didn't understand (we weren't allowed to say any curse words but anything else, they didn't really get and neither did we).  It's going to be an adventure raising my LDS kids who already know more Bible stories than I did at their age.  At least I know with faith and an eye towards the future, I should be up for the challenge.  Here's hoping...

Nursery's Awesome!

There's this thing in the Mormon church where everyone gets a job, but they give it a fancy name and call it a "calling."  I've had all different sorts of callings since joining the Church.  From program maker (probably my favorite calling thus far) to FHE (family home evening) co-leader to Primary secretary to Young Women advisor to Sunday gospel doctrine teacher (my least favorite) to Primary teacher.  Just recently, I was getting ready to teach the 7 year old class, when I got a call on New Year's Day about some changes.

Since I'll be here and there a lot next year as we go on rotations with Andy, they did some shuffling around and told me I would no longer be teaching the 7 year olds.  Instead, I'd be in the Nursery.  This is where kids ages 18 months to 3 years old (you graduate to the Primary once you're 3 as of January, but if you're not.. then you're in Nursery until January 1st each year) go to play for two hours, have a small snack, a tiny bit of singing, and a mini-lesson (think super simple).  Anyway, personally, when I received the phone call about the change I was ecstatic.  Our youngest just turned 14 months and though she isn't quite walking yet, all she does is try to get around, crawling, standing, making noise, doing fun stuff exploring.  She isn't exactly up for just chilling in my lap during the second or third hours of Church during Sunday school.  Being in Nursery would not only be a two hour calling every week to spend time with my 2.5 year old, but would also start to help Dagny get used to playing with a bunch of kids in preparation for her official entry into Nursery in 4 months.

Most people, when they hear you're in Nursery, they laugh or feel sorry, they joke about how it's the worst calling and blah blah blah.  It is definitely no cake walk, these kids are hyper and some can't share, don't have any experience, some are sick but not contagious, dripping boogers all over you, but none of that really matters to me.  I'm actually stoked to be in Nursery, and what better time than when you have two kids in there?!

We were having lunch with a friend when I got the call.  I told her how stoked I was, and she said I was being really positive.  She was impressed.

Some things about being Mormon, culturally, still make no sense to me.  Maybe it's because I'm just different, but diet coke still tastes disgusting to me, funeral potatoes are still good but not worth making myself, and Nursery is going to be awesome, no matter what anyone says about it!  I might be alone, but I think it's gonna be great.

Today was really fun in Nursery.  I like observing all the kids and helping them share and be nice.  I already can note which kids are bullies (mine used to be), which have no experience sharing (only child), which have older siblings who have taught them (the sporty kids who love looking after the baby), and the young ones who have been pushed around by their older siblings.  I think I would have enjoyed being a teacher.

Tis Been a Good Year!

There's this weird family Chinese superstition that I've grown up with.  You never really give attention or praise to anything good in your life, because for some reason it might go sour.

I've always sort of lived by that mantra, call it humility or stupidity, but I've always been afraid to boast about my little wins.  Like when my kid sleeps through the night... it never ceases to amaze me that the moment I share it with my friends, the kid stops sleeping.  For some reason, it only seems safe to share these little wins with my husband.  We get to brag about our little wins to each other without any repercussion, but to anyone else... there is always some backlash.

So it's all a disclaimer that as I say what I'm about to say, I really hope I don't jinx us.

Life is great!  As everyone looks back at the year with 2016 coming upon us, I can't help but think well... our year was pretty ordinary, definitely not extraordinary, but at the same time.. everything is great.

We have loved Andy's switch to occupational medicine, mostly because we get to see him EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND, EVERY SINGLE HOLIDAY, and pretty much by 5 or 6 PM EVERYDAY.  On top of that, the energy and passion we've seen from him as he learns more from clinical experiences and scoring high on tests has been priceless.  It's really something to see your husband doing something he loves, and doing it well.  He also has a couple of side projects, one of his projects was Chic Shield, a concept he along with some other guys developed and presented as part of a Bench to Bedside competition sponsored by the U.  I also got to work side by side with him, helping his team with a poster that they used for the competition.  He's got a project he's working on with a buddy and they have been making great progress, hopefully they will be able to get a patent lawyer and investors and go public with the idea soon!  It's pretty exciting on the sidelines and as the future marketing.

I have continued to work at BlueSky with a reduced workload, and in its place I have been able to feel accomplished as a mom of three.  I feel good when the house is clean, when the kids are well fed,  when I cook something new, when we read together, when my kids help out at home, and when we are able to go out by ourselves or with friends.  It feels good despite random tantrums, missed naps, or some Mommy time outs.  I've worked on myself a bit this year, got back into pre-pregnancy shape (sort of, as close as you can get probably), finished a draft of a children's book (now looking for artists!), learned the true art of making a French macaron, put make-up on a bit more and opted out of my PJs a few more days of the week, and continued to hone my Photoshop skills by making prints for friends and myself.

Jordan continues to be full of energy.  He can run and run and run and only stop for water.  He has become such a loving sweet older brother.  He loves to take care of Dagny and Bubba and despite some mild arguments he has with Bubba (mostly when Bubba doesn't want to play what he's dictating), the two get along great.  He has become such a great listener, not necessarily with us, but we've observed as he keenly follows instructions at Gymnastics and overheard him advise Bubba that if he listens, he'd get to go first in line.  He started music classes with Let's Play Music in the Fall along with school five days a week and he absolutely loves it.  He loves to ask deep questions and observes and notices many things.  He loves golf, soccer, baseball, basketball, and BYU sports.  He's become creative with some of the games he likes to play and has grown in his love of set toys like Octonauts, cars, trains, legos, other building sets, superheros, planes, pirates, - to name a few.  He cares so much for his siblings and sometimes after I have been trying repeatedly to get Bubba to do something, he will sigh and said, "Mom, I'll just do it."  I've let him do it a couple of times but a lot I tell him Bubba needs to learn.  Hehe.

Bubba has become a talking machine.  He is using random complete sentences here and there, always taking us by surprise, and gets really frustrated when we can't understand him.  He is still as stubborn as ever but we've noticed over time, he has become a little more understanding and willing to compromise.  He no longer grabs onto my hair incessantly while sleeping, and will say "ok" when I ask him to please stop pulling my hair.  He loves puzzles and can count to 10 in Chinese and English, sing the ABC song, and mimics Andy for scripture study with all the correct intonations (but not the correct sounds all the time quite yet).  He hasn't quite developed the same empathy and love for his baby sister as his big bro, but he's still very aware of her and cares for her when she falls, though sometimes his comfort is a little too rough and too much.  He goes to school once a week and does gymnastics and asks me everyday if he has school or gymnastics.  He is slowly learning how to love Dagny and be a better older brother.  He loves following Jordan around and always asks where he is when he's at school, and has the happiest welcome home smile when we go to pick up Jordan from school.

Dagny is such a doll.  She is (please don't jinx us) such a calm, easy going baby.  That said, she is definitely fiesty and knows that a little scream gets her whatever she wants since her brothers always want to make her happy and hate hearing "Dangy cry."  She is crawling everywhere, loves climbing (and has no fear, found her on the piano bench just playing the piano like it was her job and can climb on her jumper and just stand there), and can take about 4-5 steps, but doesn't really care for it.  Every now and then, she'll stand up on her own and then has this goofy grin before she goes back down to crawling mode.  She loves stuffed animals and blankets, more than our boys ever did, and the same goes for her binky.  She is perfectly content just siting and eating and loves blueberries, cucumbers, tomatoes, and fries.  She loves her daddy so much, loves to continually chant da-da and always screams to be held by him the moment he returns from work.

2016 is going to be an adventure for us.  We can't wait!  Happy New Year!!

Costco runs

There's something so wonderful about arriving at Costco bright and early and getting your favorite parking space that it warrants its own blog post.

This morning, after dropping Jordan off at school, my two babies and I made our way to Costco, only to be greeted with an almost empty parking lot. It was spectacular. They recently opened the office Costco at our chain location so the entire store opens at 7am! However, news has been slow spreading this update so even at 9:30, we were among the few that were there (10 is the normal opening time).

The three of us strolled leisurely through the warehouse and grabbed what we needed. We even had time to snap photos and walk through all the toy aisles. I think we may have to make Friday morning Costco runs a normal routine. 

Bubba wore his Captain America mask and held his shield the entire time. We got a few weird looks but mostly adoration and praises about how cute bubba was. I think he liked the attention. Dagny kept trying to turn around and see what I had put in the cart. We enjoyed a smoothie and a churro on our way out, and I thought to myself... If all my Costco runs were this simple, I might spend more money so hopefully this isn't always a norm. Hehe 

When Jordan Grows Up

Dear Jordan,
The other day, I asked you how many kids you were going to have when you grew up.  You said 6, and then asked me where you were going to live.  I told you I hoped nearby so I could see you a lot, and that I hoped your brother Bubba and sister Dagny, also lived close by.  You told me you could live next door.  And then, like an epiphany, you told me you could live in our basement.  And, since we just got a free futon from a neighbor, and you just learned the terminology, "futon," you explained that your kids could all sleep on the new futon.  After I expressed concern over the space issue, you said you could solve it with just having four kids, this way, they'd all fit on the futon.  Problem solved!

Stuck Home All Day Potty Training

It's almost 1 PM and I'm already dying from staying home ALL DAY, intently focused on Bubba and his every move, trying to see when he needs to pee.  So far, he's escaped from me twice, had two accidents, peed once while he was playing on the iPad right in front of me into bball shorts (I think they mimic swim shorts and don't feel quite wet, and at that point, we just went PANTLESS.  He wouldn't go pantless yesterday because he kept asking me for shorts or pants or pull-ups.  Today, he finally gave in (or he's also sick of changing pants everytime he pees in 'em).  So we have had one successful pee in the little potty, and now we're just pantless and waiting for the next pee to come around.

The boys are armed with their ipads, poor Dags has been strapped in her little high chair to hang with us at the dining table and we are all bored to death.  PEE BUBBA!  PEE!

No poop yet.

What Sex and the City Taught Me

I love the Sex and the City series.  It is smart, funny, and honest.  But after joining the Church in 2009, I had to make the decision about the stuff I watched on TV, listened to on the radio, and what I wanted to expose myself to.  To the old me, that sounds prude and archaic, but to the new me, it was smart and brave.

I remember when I started dating a fellow who didn't watch rated R movies.  I thought wow, this guy is straight laced.  And then, when he asked me to marry him and we had the tough conversation about whether or not I would also adhere to his no rated R movie promise, I wasn't sure if I could do it.  There are so many great rated R movies out there!  Plus, there are so many PG-13 movies that are even worse than some rated R movies!  But honestly... it actually wasn't even a huge deal until Sex and the City 2 came out.  All my closest girlfriends (my bridesmaids) wanted to see it.  We made plans to go see it.  I thought it'd probably be okay if I went without Andy... right?  But then I felt ... well, not quite right about it.  So I made the tough decision to tell them I didn't want to go.  I felt like I was destroying my friendships with them, abandoning them and what we loved so much before, changing into this newfound religious prude that didn't want to watch the second installment of a movie we so loved and celebrated together.  Andy told me it wouldn't be a big deal.  I felt otherwise.

And then the movie came out.  And it was horrible.  And all my girlfriends told me how awful it was, not even worth wasting the time to see it!  And I thought, well that was lucky.  And with that, I decided to commit to no rated R movies with Andy and see if it really would made a difference in my life.

And then we got a clear play early on in our marriage, and were able to watch a ton of rated R movies we had wanted to, with certain language and scenes edited out of the movies keeping the plots in tact.  It was a bit choppy at times, sometimes it'd skip, and always I would be on the side googling the movie plot to ensure we hadn't missed any important plot logic scenes.  We never missed any.  It was then that for the first time I realized there was a lot of awful language that wasn't necessary to the plot line or character development.  I remember my English teacher from HS saying if you were really smart, you could figure out how to say something without a curse word.  To express the anger or disappointment or frustration with words.  Not bad words though.  For someone who used to say a lot of F bombs for emphasis (and to be funny, or so I thought...), this was quite the epiphany for me.

I still love the Sex and the City series.  If it's playing on E, I find myself watching a few episodes here and there (when my kids aren't around), especially when there are marathons, reminiscing about the times my BFF and I would rent the DVDs from Blockbuster after it was just released and watch it together during college winter break or summer break.  In the beginning, we were in shock and disbelief at the audacity of the series.  We couldn't believe some of the scenes, the nudity, and the "sex!"  But by the time the series ended, we were numb to it.  It was just part of the show.  It was part of the plot and the show was after all about four thirty something on the verge of forty something girls in the city and ... wait for it, sex.

I know that by watching rated R movies unedited, it's doing the same thing for me.  Numbing me in a sense.  Making it so that the crude jokes aren't so crude, the nudity isn't so nude, the violence isn't so violent, and so on and so forth.  I know that each person is different with their ability to be exposed or to endure something.  Just like not everyone will become an alcoholic upon drinking alcohol, or become an addict if they try drugs once, but still... I am grateful for the simple counsel that has inspired our family to stay away from rated R movies.  I am grateful for the new videangel.com website that allows you to pick and choose what curse words are silenced, the level of nudity and violence, implied or not, because now it seems like keeping myself away from those great films isn't really that big of a deal, and now we can watch all the rated R movies we want with a rating even better than PG-13.  And I am also grateful that my brother, a film major and huge movie nerd, upon hearing I did not watch rated R movies, threw out a few curse words, made fun of me a bit, and then respected my decision and never questioned me about it again.  And that E plays edited episodes of Sex and the City on rerun all the time.

These little tender mercies sent to me from my Heavenly Father help me to understand that it was a good decision, full of blessings that I was not aware of when I decided to try it out.