Adam's Birth Story: Bright Lights and...

...purple condoms.  That is what I think of when I think about my C-section and how odd it was to observe mostly everything from a lying down position on the operating table. No matter how much they tried to prepare me about what would happen... it was all pretty unexpected.  I've never really read about anyone's C-section experience or heard from friends in detail.. so here's my attempt at recapping the operation.

The room was cold, literally and figuratively.  There were tools everywhere and it didn't look very friendly or inviting.  I was actually shocked that it was indeed the operating room, somehow I imagined a much smaller space but this room was huge and equipment was here and there.  I was just in the middle of the spacious room, on my back, staring up at huge bright lights and purple rubbers over funny looking protruding handles.  I was so curious I asked one of the docs what those were for.  "To keep things sterile when we move 'em" she told me matter of factly.  Ohhhh, I see.  Glad they were purple at least.  So funny looking...!

First they wheeled me in, with my surgical blue bonnet on and my styling open back hospital gown.  The anesthesia team of two kept asking me questions about my husband and me in an attempt to calm me down.  It didn't work.  I stared around at the cold operating room, saw tools of all sorts, steel gray trays and equipment, and it felt stark and eery.  Like I was in some type of action movie where the operation is really a conspiracy and whatever they wanted to do to my body, they could!  I'd have to fight them off with skills I knew not how I acquired, but a distant memory would creep up and I'd have these amazing ninja fighting skills to thwart their deceptive motives.

Instead, the nurse held my head against her shoulder, I con caved my stomach to poke my back out towards the anesthesia assistant who poked and prodded my back, telling me in detail when it'd be cold, then a poke, then some burning while the anesthesia doctor kept talking and semi-asking me questions. The nurse reassured me to relax and lean against her as she held onto my shoulders to support me towards her weight.  She then told me to tell them if I felt anything from here on out as the anesthesia assistant kept working on the spinal.  A few moments I would yell out "poking on the right!" and then the nurse still holding me tightly would echo me louder, and then some adjustments would be made and I'd feel nothing from my back.  It was an odd sensation to be comforted by a stranger and poked by another, but what happened next was even more routine to them and abnormal to me that I just let it be and let the professionals do their job as I wondered when Andy would finally come into the room.  There were two nurses, two doctors, four anesthesia people (while they switched gigs or something, it eventually was just two and then just one), and lil ol' me on the operating bed.  They somehow maneuvered me into lying on my back and then I stared at the bright lights while everyone scurried around me to get things in place.  Some flaps came out and my arms were extended at 90 degrees from my legs, forming the perfect airplane.  On my right, they strapped on a blood pressure wrap, on my left middle finger, they put a little tab of a thing that was supposed to measure my heart rate, and on my nose, they put in a little tube that was supposed to help me with oxygen flow.  It felt like someone was constantly picking my nose while I lay there.

The nurse told me she was going to scrub my tummy to prep for the operation and the anesthesia doctor kept rubbing a piece of cold alcohol wipe, telling me this was normal (above where I'd be numb) and then would touch it against various parts of my body moving up from my ribs to down by my feet, asking me to say if it was normal or different.  We did that exercise about three times total and each time, there'd be gradually more "different" sections as the medicine started to work.

After the nurse cleaned my stomach, they put some sticky sheets over my stomach and then all I could feel was people touching my stomach without really feeling it.  It was the oddest sensation.  At one point, I tried to wiggle my toes, couldn't, and freaked out, then had to remind myself NOT TO WIGGLE YOUR TOES OR EVEN TRY because the attempt itself would continue to freak me out.  At times, they tilted me right, then left, really putting my airplane position into use, and would shout out about the time or something with numbers.

Then one nurse came close to my face, told me they had to talk about how they were going to do this (what?  didn't they already talk?!) and then I heard ramblings as I wondered if something was wrong.  I think they were just coordinating what they already knew but the fact that she said "we have to talk about how we're going to do this" really did scare me.

My doctor came over at one point, standing over me, and asked me if I was ready.  I'm not sure what I said, but I think I just stared at him in awe and fear and did not say much.  I knew they were waiting for the medicine to kick in before Andy was allowed in, but they pulled out the huge blue paper curtain, put it up in front of me so I couldn't see anything but a blue wall, and at that point, I was unashamed to ask the nearest person - the anesthesia guy, where my husband was.  Someone said I was ready, the doctor said he was doing a test and then asked me if I could feel it.  "No," I responded, "but I can feel something between my legs" because the catheter was seriously bugging me out.  "I highly doubt you can feel the catheter but not the pinching I just did with a really sharp tool to your stomach" he told me.  "Okay," I replied.  "So we're ready?"  I asked.  "Yes, all ready." he told me.  *gulp  Where is Andy?!

Everyone sort of looked the same with the men in surgical caps, same colored scrubs, mouth covers, and the women with the only difference being their surgical bonnets instead.  A man walked towards me, took off his mouth piece really quickly and leaned over to kiss me as he told me "I'm here now" or "you'll do great" or something like that - I was confused for a brief nanosecond before I realized it was Andy, my sweet dear husband, coming to be by my side and yes.. now we were ready for action.

Andy talked to me, the anesthesia guy was also in back of me near Andy, constantly asking me to let him know if I felt anything at any given point.  I kept asking if they got it, when the baby would come out, if he'd be crying, and if everything was okay.  Andy and the anesthesia guy would look over the blue curtain while I lay there.  I tried to pass what felt like forever by asking Andy questions, and he obliged by answering them to the best of his ability.  It must have been an hour later when I heard a baby crying, and they took him out, all I could see was the blue screen, and Andy and the anesthesia guy were both looking at the baby.  He kept screaming which made me feel good that he was alive and about, even at 34 weeks and 4 day only.

I heard the doctor tell his assistant doctor that the cord was below the legs which were crossed and I know he breathed a huge sigh of relief knowing this was indeed the best course of action given we could easily have been in the emergency c-section scenario with a prolapsed cord.  Then they told me it only took four minutes from point of first incision to baby out.  FOUR MINUTES?  It felt like an eternity!!!!  Wow.  The really long part was them sewing me back up because I was all alone for this part since Andy had gone up to the NICU with our newborn.  I stared at the purple condoms above me, the bright lights, the blue curtain, and every now and then tilted my head back to see the anesthesia guy who would ask me again if I felt okay.  It felt assured that he was continually monitoring me in case sensation in my body all of a sudden came back.  I realized that this was all very routine for the doctors as they chatted about their lives and I eavesdropped, as if we were all hanging out in the breakroom.  I wished so badly I could have gone up to the NICU with Andy and baby but felt good that Andy had gone with him.  Before they left, the nurse brought my newborn over to me as I lay there.  I gave his tiny swollen face a little kiss before they whisked him away to the NICU.

More pulling.  Tugging.  Talking amongst the medical professionals as I lay there... wondering how bad recovery would be.  Then, just like that - they were done.  They brought in another bed, had me roll to my left, then right, then left, and somehow got me from one bed to another.  As I lay in the new bed, my eyes drifted to the old bed, where I saw spots of blood on the bed and a big clear bin full of what looked like paper towels soaked in blood.  Ewww.  Blood scares me.  I was repulsed.  I felt grateful for the blue curtain and that I was not able to see any of it.  And then... they wheeled me out.

And just like that... I had a baby by doing absolutely nothing but cooperating and lying still while everyone did the rest.

And that is what it felt like to have a Cesarean, the operating part at least.  The recovery... now that is an entirely different and equally long and dull story for another day.

Insomnia

Yes, I've been missing in action in the blogosophere lately, mostly because:

1) We're on vacation

AND

2) My computer broke

Okay, really because of number 2.  

I have been out of commission for about 5 days, one of which we were at Disneyland, so it wasn't so bad.  Not having my computer for the couple of days made me realize how much I rely on my computer.  It's like my new security blanket, a comforting place where I can keep myself updated by pouring over other peoples' blogs, waste time on the internet, budget, and of course, work, yet I'm glad I had the short respite, it really helps me realize I can be living in the moment instead of trying to document it or see what other people are doing.  Seems trite but it's an eye-opening thing in our generation of instant everything via our numerous devices.  

So it's almost 4 AM and everyone is sleeping but I just watched the latest episode of The Mindy Project (love that show!) and am now unable to fall asleep.  Most parents, when asked what they miss most about being single versus a parent, claim sleep really is less with children (you can't really sleep in when the kids are young and wake up when they want and need you).  I've actually never quite felt that way since I always have more sleep now than when I was working (especially during busy season).  I know I can always take a short nap during the day and I am getting on average 7-8 hours a night, which is fabulous compared to 4-5 hours a night.  Well... that is.. until this pregnancy.  

Insomnia has been a constant in this pregnancy.  My hips also are expanding and hurting me more than the previous pregnancy and it hurts to lay flat on my back.  And, Arizona is hot.  We have a fan in our room, but had moved it away from Jordan's air mattress so he wouldn't be tempted to put his fingers in or be scared of it (it makes a loud noise), but that coupled with my already rising body temperature has made it near impossible to sleep.  I finally got up and moved it back towards me, since Jordan has made his way to our bed around 1 AM anyway.  Right now, I am on Jordan's mini-air mattress, enjoying the cool air coming fromt he fan and my body is tired, my eyes are hurting, but somehow, I cannot fall asleep. 

I have been thinking about work a lot lately and if I can manage it with two kids.  I know I'll have family around to help out but with two kids, then three, maybe four in the next four years... will it be possible?  I'm unsure.  I know only time will tell but it's a bit stressful to think we'd be without the extra income which has been sooo helpful so far.  I did obtain another job on the side while we were in LA last week, organizing and reconciling my mom's finances for her (something I've offered to do for free in the past but hey, if you want to pay me.. I won't argue), but still... 

Real life is expensive.  I suppose that's why they say growing up isn't always fun.  It is though.  It is really fun to plan how you will spend time together as a family, budgeted or not.  It is really fun to watch you kid learn and grow and explore with things that don't cost money (like nature!).  It is really fun to watch your child's face light up when you buy them a toy that they absolutely adore, treasure, and love.  It is fun to be on vacation and spend a little more on dining out than we'd normally do.  It is fun to be a grown-up too. 

My second child keeps telling me to go to sleep.  He is kicking me abruptly but aggressively, so I'll take that as my sign to try falling asleep again.  

Constantly Hungry

I'm unsure if the baby is growing or if my hormones are out of whack, but I am continually hungry.  Famished.  And I have been craving sweets a LOT lately.  I love cookies, donuts, cake, ice cream, rice krispy treats, and I am dreaming of a wedding cake with a fruit layer.  Oh how I wish we had a network of single friends getting married every other week here so I could have some cake!

I would blog more but I have to send some work e-mails and my husband just got home from his rotation.  Life is good.

Smacked by the Toilet Seat

Morning sickness was definitely a term coined by men to deceive women from the awful state of mind, fatigue, and constant nausea that is the first trimester of pregnancy.  The last three months were a daze, tasting the aftermath of everything I consumed whether it be just a leftover taste in my mouth, regurgitated burps that were swallowed before they made it out of my body, or puke into the sink (oops) or toilet.  Smells have plagued me wherever I have been whether it be the aisles at Costco, the Chinese food court in Canada, Jordan's poopy diapers, dish soap, or even worse... food preparation.  Ugh.  Food preparation.  In addition, nothing sounds good to eat.  Thanksgiving scares me.  Food in general sounds disgusting to me, commercials for food on the television make me want to puke.  This time around, I have only minor cravings for burgers and huckleberry lemonade (or any flavored lemonade for that matter), but mostly food sounds gross and the idea of eating makes me sick.

Yesterday, feeling completely nauseous in a prelude to what I thought what be a puke fest, I murmured on the couch under my baby blanket (I have a pink and yellow and Jordan has assumed ownership of my yellow so I'm stuck with the pink one that is falling apart) as I kept swallowing, hoping it would keep everything down.  At the peak of my discomfort, I ran into the bathroom, confident I was about to puke.  I lifted the toilet seat, gathered my hair in a ponytail in the back, and as I leaned forward.... the toilet seat smacked me on the nose.  Shocked, taken aback, and completely repulsed by the fact that Andy has not cleaned the bathroom in more than a week (despite my constant kind reminding nagging).  Andy followed me in to make sure I was okay, but he could not hold back the laughter that will surely ensue in the next coming days.  "Is it too soon to laugh?" he asked as tears streamed down my face.  On one hand, I was grateful that the smack in the face had somehow reversed the urge to puke, on the other hand, a toilet seat just hit me in the face.  I would feel the sting of the hit in the face for the next hour.  I nodded, and tried to hold back the tears.  Andy tried to hold my hair for me, but it was too late. There would be no puke this night, only a smack in the face by the toilet seat.

I cannot wait for second trimester.  And I know I don't have it as bad as some girls, so I should really be grateful, which I am.  But it still hurts.  My nose and pride that is.

Dear Family...

This is how we announced the news to our family.  

(cuz the baby will be born the year of the snake!)

Who Am I Kidding?

I love blogging way too much to stay away and I'm proud to report that my progress from my last post has been less facebook stalking and online time wasting, as a result, I am rewarding myself with a blog post.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the lactation consultant Nazis. If you haven't met them before either because you are sans kid or never went down the road of boob feeding, you are in for a treat! They vary in temperament and style but without a doubt, they all share the common mission objective of getting you to successfully boob feed your baby - no matter what the cost! They drill fears into your brain about nipple confusion and tell you it's painless if you're doing it right. They are liars!!!

To give credit where due, my first lactation consultant in the hospital was candid with the truth. She told me I needed to develop calluses for boob feeding, just like one would do on their fingers if they were learning to play the guitar (if you aren't sure what that means, try it - and then say hello to the pretty calluses you get on your fingertips). I guess it's just like lifting weights and wanting to use gloves (I do.. yes, even with my wimpy 10 pound weights) to avoid having nasty calluses. She advised me that once I got pass the rough part of growing calluses, I'd be okay.

Unfortunately, nobody ever told me about the fact that my baby might not take the bottle. I'd only heard the opposite, not to give my baby the bottle too soon in case he got confused and would only take the bottle. So far, I have not heard of any cases where this is a true story. Instead, there is an underground world of mothers who struggle to get their babies to take the bottle instead of the boob. One of the comments I got from my last post about such struggles was that said person fed her baby in the car over the carseat. Now this may sound ridiculous to you, but if you ever find yourself on a road trip, interrupted by frequent pit stops to feed and change your baby who won't take a bottle, you may also try it.

Guilty as charged. TMI maybe?

Sadly, the carseat got in the way and it only worked for about three minutes (apparently Andy timed it, hoping we could buy more time as we coasted on the highway from Arizona to California). It makes me laugh because that is what we have resorted ourselves to (I completely covered the windows on both sides) and although it is way too much information, I share it because I hope every person reading this who may become a mother in the future... who maybe considers boob feeding... who might not want to be chained to their baby because they are the only source of food.... who might want a break every now and then... who might want someone else to feed their baby once a day.... might realize that a bottle of boob milk a day, fed to your baby with a bottle, might not be such a bad idea, even while they are boob feeding! I wish somebody had told us that before. Maybe we'd be in a different predicament now.

Until then, we will keep praying and working on it.

Also happy to report that our physical therapy wannabe exercises which we learned from youtube (the internet is a wonderful thing if used correctly) have shown improvement in Jordan's neck. He seems to be looking left more often though he still prefers the right. We will keep at it! We are also sincerely asking Heavenly Father for his help everytime we pray. Our prayers are being answered as his cries seem to decrease with each subsequent exercise we do on his neck. Yay to diligently presevering and praying!

And... I thoroughly cleaned the bathrooms and did some laundry before we left for Arizona this past weekend to visit our friends (the Bluthes, yes we just saw them last weekend but we're on a Bluth high) and get Jordan's three month photos taken by our talented most likely will be a super expensive professional photographer in the near future Jenn. Of course when we came back last night, our house reeked of rotten garbage because of the food in the sink that didn't get sinkerator-ed and the few (less than 5!) dirty dishes I left. I quickly cometed, lime juiced and baking soda-ed that sucker but it still slightly stinks of leftover garbage that has been rotting for three days. Yeah, I'm not the best housewife... not yet at least, but I'm working on it and one day, I know, we will come back from vacation and our house won't stink. One day....

Motherhood is to Audit as.....

Motherhood ....It's not what I expected- of course it's only been a few five days, but so far it's hard, but not that hard, but wait - it's still definitely hard! So what I mean is.... well, err..... umm..

Don't get me wrong, my nipples are destroyed, I'm seriously sleep deprived, I am still healing down under, and I feel the void of human interaction that once came with my job and the freedom of maternity leave (and am so grateful I at least still have Andy and my mother in law here to talk with!) but the real reason I feel less intimidated is really because, sadly, when compared to audit, it ain't so bad (sorry to any potential auditors out there!).

Like we say in audit, the light is at the end of the tunnel - his feedings will become less, the diaper changing is easier every time I do another, and his smiles will become real (not just random sneaks I get that are meaningless for a few more weeks). Yes, it does suck to consistently sleep and get up and sleep and get up - just like an audit that goes longer than expected and you leave at 3 or 4 AM and then back to work at 8 AM (don't forget the long drive and loneliness once home, having to shower, sleep and wait-realizing you have not much time to sleep before you get up and do it all over again - ugh). It's a bit like getting up every 3 hours to feed Jordan. The difference is - my job as an auditor was never as rewarding as it is to see Jordan's little face light up when he is getting fed (the few times his eyes are open). Though I was never hormonal while auditing, only one client, to this day, has made me cry (but it was brief and he was a big dumb jerk!). Meanwhile, the daunting task of motherhood, if I'm getting it right, why I can't seem to calm him but my aunt and mother in law quickly can, the frustration of not being able to appease him combined with the fatigue and self imposed pressure to continue checking things off my list of "to-do's" has made me break down a few times, unsure why I'm crying except that sometimes it just feels good to let it out.

I guess the audit job was never as emotionally uplifting or challenging as the mom one. I guess there is truth to the fact that challenges faced not only build character but are so much more meaningful when overcome (not that I have overcome any of it so far). I guess my time in audit was actually helpful to my role as a mom now. I guess the time auditing was not an ultimate waste!

A co-worker told me being a mom is ten times more difficult than being an auditor. But I didn't trust his opinion, because what do men know about motherhood? jk...hahaha.. well, he was right and I'd agree. But the mom part is so much neater than a good review, at least so far it has been. Who knows what tomorrow may bring? Who knows what the next feeding may bring? Guess 2 more hours will determine that.

Bundle of joy. Nipple annihilator. Cutie patootie. Poop specialist. Apple of my eye. Monster eater. My son.

More pics to come.. dunno where they are stored on the comp and I needs must sleep!

And Then...There Was His Room...

I told myself over and over that I wouldn't dedicate too much time to a baby room. I longed instead for an exercise room. Ultimately, the baby won't notice the symmetry, the colors, or the effort put in. Ultimately, daddy and mommy were quite happy with the little DIY projects that make up his room. Ultimately, there's now a baby room in our house.


The first wall across from the crib (super anal me and earthquake zone California) has from L-R, a cheap DIY ABC print I made from internet seeking, matting on scrapbook papers, and using a cut out from cute baby shower cards (which I never know what to do with after!). In the middle, is a photo of daddy and mommy looking towards the LA Temple the day they got sealed and made it possible for lil Jordan to be born in the covenant. Right is a super cute placeholder that my crafty buddy Paige (who is a professional scrapbooker whomI idolize as her creativity and work is seriously amazing and breathtaking!) made with cute wording about the day he was born, how much he weighed, how cute and cuddly and super he is, etc. It's an adorable print! Center bottom is a currently empty shadow box I have yet to fully be inspired and go forth making and below are the name blocks that were a gift from my friend Allison as part of the baby shower decorations.

Below sits my old opaque purple trashcan (from my hs days!) sprayed painted in lime green along with the DIY shelf Andy built from scratch and three fabric bins I got from our Target gift cards from my good buddy Drea. The empty chalkboards will eventually be glue gunned to the bins and read books, toys, and shoes (or whatever else I think of storing down there).

This is wall #1 and Andy is planning on building two matching shelves that go 5 up on each side which will be used for more books, baby toiletries, toys, etc.

Wall #2 remains the same except we traded up and got two recent magazine covers of Jimmer into the mix. We are also taking Lebron out for Mike Vicks, a great football player for a great team who has repented for his past doings (which aren't that bad compared to some other athletes!).
On the third wall, I took some trinket boxes my mom got at TjMaxx (because they were so darn cute, not cuz she knew what purpose they served at all...), glued some ribbon and buttons to cover the ribbon and glue meeting and hung up above the diaper changing table. I wanted to use my cheap discounted lantern stars bought for our wedding deco which was never used, but the neon bright pink was hard to spraypaint over and it just came out ugly. I'm adding some Asian paper stars as soon as I get around to it.... just a chain of stars here and there.

Below the trinket boxes sits the diaper changing pad cover that yours truly sewed (it's a disaster underneath but looks pretty good on top!), the diaper champ from my coworker buddy Elizabeth and the beautiful very closely matching cherry (but from different dealers) changing table and crib from my mum.
Above it, I made this flag pennant that says "I Am a Child of God." We left the little photos of Jesus we had on the wall, only I, in my quest for symmetry, put one on each side of the crib. Hehe. Some things never change.

And that's it! Pretty simple and to the point, also very cheap which is my favorite part.

Sooner Than We Expected!

Our due date is May 15th and we were both hoping to make it until then. I am still very comfortable though my back hurts every now and then (a simple adjustments takes care of it) and it has become increasingly harder to sit and get up. Still, I don't feel like I am ready for the baby to come out and I am not wishing for him to just get out! I am quietly enjoying maternity leave, the free time, the flexibility to go and do as I please and the checklist of things to do that is shortening with each passing day.

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and the doc told me my cervix is 3 cm dilated - but stretchy and she'd almost say 4 cm, 80% effaced and something about how far the baby's head is - 1 plus station. I know the goal is to get to 10 cm, but as for everything else, I was quite lost and just asked her if we'd make it until next Friday (Andy's last shelf exam for the last third year rotation, coincidentally, obgyn). She said it was unlikely but that you never really knew. She then advised me she'd be out of town for a girl scout camp this weekend, so to try to have it after she's back and by the way, pack your hospital bag. She said the latter three times - so I'm guessing she thinks it could be any day now!.

I wasn't phased by the news, except one small adjustment I made was avoiding the gym after my appointment. I really like the endorphin rush, but I've heard rumors about girls who get on the elliptical to encourage the baby to come as well as those who go on walks to get the baby going. No way Jose! To the extent I could control it by not working out, I was on board to do exactly that.

After running some more errands in Old Town and dropping by JoAnn's for some ribbon to finalize my flag pennant for the baby's room, I came home, eager to finish his room. Currently, the only outstanding item is a shadow box frame that I had planned to put cute sayings and spaces for photos - but that can wait (maybe this afternoon). As for everything else - the room is just about ready (we just washed the crib sheet and bumper so it'll be so fresh and so clean clean for when he comes home). It's pretty empty in there so far but I'm very excited that my disdain for a nursery has turned into a fun DIY project that I quite enjoy (plus I'm one of the main characters who will appreciate as I'm sitting there breastfeeding).

So it looks like Baby Phillips might come sooner than we think! The really funny thing is apparently I am unaware of contractions as I'm having them. We spent the majority of last night with Andy educating me on when I had a contraction by feeling my stomach harden. I told him this is what my stomach always feels like because of my abs of steel. He was not amused. We sat there and timed the contractions for 30 minutes, noting they were 5 minutes apart and about 1 minute in length. Uh-oh. We quickly finished what we needed to - I finished the baby's room stuff, took a shower, put all my craft stuff away, Andy helped me pin some stuff up in the baby's room, finished his studying for his practical exam this morning, we packed our hospital bags, put the carseat by the door, cleaned up the house, made some phone calls to family and geared up in case baby decided to come!

An hour later, Andy gave me some water and asked if I was dehydrated from the day. Come to think of it - I hadn't been drinking that much water from my nalgene, which I normally consume 2.5 bottles of in a day. So I quickly drank some water, we watched some TV and continued timing the contractions. They had slowed down to random spurts of 10 and 15 minutes, so we calmed down and got ready for bed.

Throughout the night, all I could think about were the contractions I kept getting and how to tell if I was having them. There hasn't been any pain so far, just a strengthening in my stomach. The worst pain was yesterday morning when I woke up with a calf cramp in my left leg which I can still feel in spite of stretching it and massaging it every moment I get. Oh well.

Today, I'm off to the Fashion District with my mom in the morning to scope out some cheap discounted baby gear. Then, I'll be back by lunch and continue working through the checklist and timing my contractions in order to log 'em down (the latter is not a fun process).

Only time will tell if Baby Phillips is coming this weekend. If he does, maybe Andy will get to deliver him! If he does come before Andy's test, he may still be able to take it (fatigued yet better than waiting until next year!).

It's all happening... sooner than we expected! But we are still thankful and hopeful for everything to turn out well and we can't wait!

A Week of Maternity Leave...Almost Over!

How did time go so fast? Next thing you know, I'll be with baby, he'll be walking, then talking, then he'll be a teen, then off to college, going on his mission, getting married - I can hardly believe how fast time goes by! I'll be a grandmother in no time!

This week has been full of many adventures! Lunch and boba with family (cousins, brother, mother), errand running at Target and Costco, paperwork at home, laundry, dishes, baby prep, car stuff and many phone calls. Oh yeah, and freak out moments galore. Hehe. I am getting more and more emotional, after watching a ParentsTV video about how to give your baby a bath, I got teary eyed. Ha!

Tomorrow, I'm returning back to my hometown for some lunch, shopping, and hanging out with my mum and brother. I don't think my brother's too excited about being an Uncle, at least he doesn't seem it thus far. Maybe it's the age difference, but hopefully one look at the baby, and he will melt!

On the downside, one disappointing thing about maternity leave so far is that Andy got sick. So what little free time we have together, he is resting and recuperating. But we're still treasuring the moments we have together and excited for our life to soon morph into baby life!

The Special Pregnant Lady at the Gym

I think everyone is scared of me at the gym because of my big belly. But I rather enjoy going every now and then (about once a week before maternity leave, maybe 3 times now?) to use the machines - particularly the elliptical, the treadmill and the stationary bicycle. At first, my stomach was safely concealed in my college sweatshirts and it was only after I took it off that the stares would come my way. It made me feel special, noticed, and well... pregnant, but happy pregnant. Like.. HAHA I'm working out at the same speed as you sucker!! Lately, I'm so big that even a sweatshirt won't hide the bump, so upon checking in, I always get at minimum, a stranger commenting on how dedicated I am or the front desk clerks telling me congratulations and asking me when I'm due. It's kind of nice to be the special pregnant lady at the gym and I will be a bit bummed when the baby is just a layer of fat waiting to be shed off.

Today, I was not just the special pregnant lady at the gym. Today, I was the special pregnant lady at the gym who rode her bicycle so fast and hard while finishing up the second book of the Hunger Games - Catching Fire. I won't lie - I already knew the ending - I couldn't wait to get my hands on the book during Thanksgiving when I read the first one so I googled the synopsis for the second and third books. I tend to do that a lot - I ruin the ending by googling it first (did it for The Next Three Days and Taken - both highly recommended action thriller movies). I guess I like to know what to expect.

... which would be why I have overdone myself with indulging in pregnancy info. I know things never go as we expect - but you can only hope for the best and prepare for the worst, 50% effort 50% opportunity, but I still like to be as prepared as possible. It's why the husband and I have been purchasing gallons of water every week and some extra can fooded items from Costco. We want to not only heed the Prophet's warning about proper food storage, but also, just be ready for if disaster should ever strike. I wish I had stored up on gas with the rising prices these days. Yikes!

Maternity leave has been awesome so far. I get to be the special pregnant lady at the gym more often, I get to cross things off my list, and I get to enjoy the time when Baby goes with me everywhere and anywhere with minimal effort (cuz he's still in my tums). My bedtime is 11 PM and tomorrow I'll be venturing off to Manhattan Beach for some errands and the coastline. It will be nice! I like maternity leave and I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone!

Can you tell I'm preggers? (if you look closely at my "WOW" photo - you'll notice my husband is just a "WOU" - go figure...


How about now?

Okay fine.. but now you really can!

I Admit.. I Am Not a Pleasant Pregnant Woman Right Now

I didn't think it was necessary to really start packing a hospital bag - it was on my list of 35 things to do while on maternity leave, but in terms of priority - it was pretty low on the totem pole. And then, two of my subscribed pregnancy newsletters shocked me with a Have You Packed Your Hospital Bag alerts this morning. Eek! No.... I have indeed not!

Scrambling, I quickly pulled out a piece of paper and starting making a list. Andy came home from his 5 AM - 8 AM shift around 9:30 AM and instead of greeting him with a hug, a kiss or even a smile, I tersely demanded, "What hospital snacks do you want?" He pondered it for a while... and in my inpatient pregnant mode of attack, I demanded to know and repeated myself with, "What hospital snacks do you want?!" He sensed my urgency (or my hormones acting up) and responded happily with, "Tostitos!" So I continued, "and what kind of drink?" to which he casually replied, "Any drink will do," ........ "Can you please just pick a drink?" I begged. Maybe he could sense my desperation. "Gatorade," he said. He definitely couldn't. "What color Gatorade?!" I asked.... "Umm..... Gatarade or Spirte," hmmmm maybe he wasn't getting it. "Red Gatorade!" he declared, fine - good, now it is written down except I scribbled Red Gatorade/Spirte. "And sweet snacks?" I persisted, "Ummm... oreos!" Without even realizing it, I retorted with "Ewww" and he said, "Well, put something you would like too like Nila Wafers." That's better, except it won't matter because I can't eat them. Apparently, in labor, I'm only allowed ice chips, apple juice, orange juice, cranberry juice, or water. Delicious! But I suppose I can eat something after - though I'll most likely be making food requests from outside of the hospital especially since Saladang is nearby as is 21 Choices. *trickle tapping my fingers together mischievously like Mr. Burns in the Simpsons.

So far, I've packed my toiletries, the Flip, the digital camera, and a pack of cards. I will still have to gather some change of clothes for me, the baby and Andy, get some missing toiletry items like lotion and chapstick that I prefer (if there's time), a fan?, some bed pillows, a list of those I have been instructed to call while on the way to the hospital, get started on my playlist of music and Conference talks, and create a DVD list for Andy. I guess that means one of us is bringing our computer (there's free internet in the rooms!). I am also going to follow my sister in law's advice and get a cheap terry cloth dress from Target that I can wear while in the hospital, because the blood will most likely destroy everything and probably some cheap comfy slippers that I won'tcare for afterwards. Do I need to bring a towel, shampoo, a loofa and some body scrub? Am I even allowed to shower in the hospital or do I even want to? I have not a clue.

Meanwhile, I can't figure out my insurance options, which means I can't pick a pediatrician which means my birth plan is still incomplete and I do not even want to deal with my CPA renewal stuff until later but I've also been advised I am required by policy to sign up for the AICPA, yet another thing to add to my list, but if the baby comes, I won't have time to do this later!! I still have to get the car maintenance, the cars washed (not in this gloomy overcast weather though) I'm still waiting until next week for a haircut and pedicure (if our budget allows), and I still have to change my name on a ton of accounts. Instead, I really just want to do the fun stuff like making the wall decor for the baby's room or planning my Easter Sunday dinner menu.

So I'm all in all, not a very pleasant pregnant woman right now. Which makes me think... if this part is already difficult, how much harder will the baby in my life be? Will I be able to do it? Won't it just absolutely suck for a while? Will I break down and just cry for no reason? What if I get post partum depression? What if?

I guess the what if's don't matter because this is. Like it or not, he's coming soon and like it or not, I do not know how much time I have until he comes - so until then, I will just keep on trucking, and in the meantime, remember to be of good cheer. Other people have had it worse. Jesus had it a lot worse and this Easter weekend reminds me that even though he was scorned, laughed at, mocked, and betrayed, he is our Savior and he made the ultimate sacrifice for us. Andy and I have been studying the Old Testament leading up to his Resurrection and it makes me so angry and sad that he had to go through that. I have to remember when things get tough for me and when I'm the unpleasant pregnant woman, that Jesus knows my pain, he suffered so he could know and he will help lift those burdens above me if I persevere, am faithful and do those simple and little things that help me be of good cheer.

A Glimpse of My Prego Life

I started my day with a bowl of Fiber One, a recent purchase due to the increased constipation as of late (it comes with the hormonal changes). I then worked from home (thank goodness for a job that allows me to do so) and met my mom for lunch at Chipotle. It was her first time at Chipotle so I offered to order for her but after sitting and staring at the menu for a while, she ran to me and let me know she wanted a steak salad and we both ate every single bit in our bowls and I got a to go burrito for Andy. During lunch, she reminded me of the chicken I would have to eat after giving birth. She then reminded me of all the protein I was to eat and offered to bring me some peanut and walnut soup next week (I think it's a Chinese thing) and asked me if I was eating my swallow's nest every day as instructed. I have been. Then, to my surprise and joy, my mom gave me 10 oranges and a juicer! I have been wanting a juicer for so long and I finally got one - and the kind that is easy to use and similar to the one we had growing up. I went home and immediately made 3 cups of OJ.

But before I got home, I stopped by Target to return the foot spa I got that was a lie from the image on the box! You see, for quite some time now, I had been meaning to buy a plastic container I could use to soak my feet in. I devised a plan to go to 99 cent store but there, the only containers big enough had holes in them (colanders of some sort). So the one I got from Target seemed like just this - except it actually came with a cord and a plug to make bubbles and keep the water warm! This isn't what I wanted! But I'm adventurous.. I'm spontaneous... so I decided to give it a shot. After just one use, I easily concluded - it's going back.

Back at home, OJ consumed, work day fulfilled, scripture study with the hubby done, good-bye said to the hubby for his overnight call, I looked at my now softer (temporarily) feet and decided to paint my nails. I had gotten a bunch of free nail polish from some friends who had the VIP discount from OPI Products and still had not yet dived into any of 'em! I shrieked with joy in anticipation.

Unfortunately....

the



STOMACH or BABY


got



in



the


.
.
......
..
.
........

WAY!!!!!.

Exceedingly hard.... and as such, I have added a pedicure to my list of "to do's" during maternity leave before the baby comes (I also need to cut my so long hair that it's almost at my waist, finish our taxes, figure out insurance for the baby, go to Baby Depot at Burlington, wash the baby's clothes, get the carseat, clear the baby's room, .... etc....).

At the defeat of painting my own toes, I got dinner ready for myself. Five meatballs and a sandwich with arugula, tomato and cheese.. ahh dinner on my own. I know I know. It's weird. But it's so good - and with the leftover tomatoes, I put a tablespoon of sugar on - soooo good, another favorite from my childhood.

So now, I just need to fold the rest of the clean laundry from three nights ago, continue making the flag pennant for Baby Jordan's wall behind his crib while watching prime time TV, enjoy a coconut popsicle, take a shower, and continue reading my book of selection (while watching the baby move around in my stomach from the corner of my eye). It's not as fun as when Andy is around but this will be his second to last overnight call for third year... and with that... we got through the crazy overnight calls during third year.

And tomorrow, I will wake up .... work out... go to the doctor.... and then to the office for my office baby shower lunch, one meeting, and .... I'm done! Maternity leave begins!

And so... even a glimpse into my prego life immediately demonstrates how normal, yet unnormal it is. Being pregnant isn't that different from being not pregnant. It's easy taking the baby with me everywhere. Once he comes - now that will be a different story!

The 20 Minute Digression

Tonight, Andy and I went to a lactation class sponsored by the hospital where I'm delivering. Though I have a free consultant that I can call anytime for questions up to a year (courtesy of work benefits) and lactation consultants at the hospital are free prior to your departure, my doctor had made the suggestion for us to take a class when I told her I wanted to breastfeed. She said part of the battle is educating yourself, not getting tired, not giving up, knowing how to remedy things if they went sour, etc. and that my spouse would be an important supporter of the process since I would be so devastatingly tired, I would resort to formula in a heartbeat if given the chance. Then she told me my job for the first 6 weeks was to be the baby's source of food.. and that was IT. She even stressed what that meant by further telling me any free time I had, I was to sleep and energize myself for the next feeding and to leave the cooking, cleaning, even diaper changing, to others! Sweet deal - I'm in!

So at class today, they started off by telling us all the positive aspects of breastfeeding. To my limited knowledge, it was more economical and the savings would be great and it just seems natural, so why not right?... but apparently, there are also a ton of health benefits that go along with it and to my surprise, studies have shown that boys who breastfeed are able to develop their speech earlier than boys who don't, that was it - sign me up, I'm in! We then dove into the topic of what to eat while breastfeeding and to my surprise, the restrictions are quite consistent with the current pregnancy list.

To my disappointment, I will have to say no to sashimi, deli meat, and soft cheeses for another year (if I make it that long breastfeeding). During this topic of conversation, someone asked if beer was okay. I guess it's an old wives' tale that beer is good for the baby (maybe from the wheat?) but the myth was quickly disposed of and I then proceeded to ask about about peanut butter which I have been feeling guilty about eating so much of lately. What if my son develops a peanut allergy because of my peanut butter obsession? Ugh. It would be very difficult to live with that! And it would probably be enough to throw me into the weirdo pool with Andy as someone who doesn't eat peanut butter (weird, right?!)

The instructor told us that my baby, along with every other pregnant lady in the room who had indulged in peanut butter while pregnant, had children who had already been exposed to peanut butter. *gasp - it's too late! But then, as quick as you can say peanut butter, we got back to the topic of alcohol and how much of it can be consumed while pregnant.

There is so much debate about how much wine one can drink while pregnant - to the point where I have heard a glass here or there is fine - I know so and so who did it, etc. etc. but just yesterday, I saw on the news (I know, not always the most credible, but hear me out) that new studies show drinking moderately during the first trimester can lead to infant death syndrome. Eeek! That doesn't sound so safe anymore, now does it?!

Well, this is the funny part. Our instructor kept telling everyone that all things in moderation were okay, but kept getting more follow up questions thrown at her such as - how long between feedings before you can drink another glass of wine, so do you drink after you feed or before? Alcohol was no stranger to me before I found the gospel and learned of the Word of Wisdom, but even when I put myself into my old shoes and thought of whether this was a reasonable question, I had to stifle a laugh. Were these people serious? Did they not realize that there were greater sacrifices being made on behalf of this lil being that would soon join their families?

The instructor went on to explain that if you drank more than one glass of wine, you should probably pump and throw the next milk you have away - which led to more questions of exactly how much wine you could drink over the course of a day, a week, the year, for that matter. I sat there, quite amused and quite sad that we had just digressed for 20 minutes into discussions of something that was recommended against in the first place, when the teacher brought up this...

"Well," she started off, "there are also other reasons besides polluting your baby with alcohol that you would not want to drink that much while breastfeeding such as the safety of your baby, your ability to function as a mother, etc." HA. Now that is funny. That really hit the nail in the wall.

And then, to my disbelief, we continued down the same road of useless questions, only this time - about caffeine - but mainly coffee and what types of coffee one could drink, what sizes, from where (one person actually researched ahead of time that a Starbucks 20 oz Venti is 300 mg of caffeine) and the instructor had to resort to - "Well, if your kid gets jittery, it's probably time to limit it a bit. Moderation folks.. moderation." The funnier thing is - I think our class struggled with defining what moderation really meant.

People often wonder why Mormons have so many kids. Today, I hypothesized during the 20 minute digression in class, that maybe it's not just because we understand the sacrifices we're making for ultimate happiness as a family unit or that it's part of God's plan, but also because our pregnancies are not as tormenting with restrictions of alcohol and coffee. Okay, that's silly - it's only 18 months, but apparently, some people can't go that long without just dying for a glass of wine. The conversations about soft cheeses, deli meat and sashimi were short lived while the talk of alcohol and coffee went on and on and on. It can't be healthy to rely so much on any substance, even if it wakes you up or makes you feel better. Logic tells me otherwise!

Five More Days

Lately, I've been worried whether my doctor gave me an accurate date or not. In the beginning, she would make comments about how changing the date would only be a few days here or there, so let's just stick with May 15th. However, had I know then what I know now, I would have inquired, is it a couple of days earlier?.. and if so, can we change it?! You see, maternity leave takes effect immediately after the baby is delivered and the month prior to the due date only counts until the baby comes.

So even though I only have five more days of work left, if the baby comes early, not only will I be jipped, I might not have time to finish all I have left to do! But so is the case with life.. which is why I hate procrastinating and usually aim to be ahead of the game. However, given the amount of work that has surfaced onto my plate, it seems any effort I should have made, would have been thwarted.

It makes me think about life and how we can never really plan. Plans are good, being organized is great, checklists make me excited, and that's the point of a goal right? However, should things get in the way of our plans, if something should scatter the set order, if checklists end up being scribbled and not checked off, and if a goal is not met... we have to just rethink it, right?!

And then there are things we can make a routine part of our life and plan around it instead of changing those plans. Simple and small things like prayer, scripture study and being nice.

Being nice? Yes - being nice! Smiling at a random stranger as you make your way into work, offering to help whenever possible, holding the elevator door open when you hear someone fumbling to get in (knowing it's just an additional 10 seconds you'd be waiting), saying "thank you" or "excuse me" or "bless you," saying "good bye and have a nice night!" or "good morning" to the elevator man who checks your badge when you walk in and out of the work elevators, being patient when the post office line is long and someone with a large package is confused, not getting flustered and maintaining your cool while saying "it's okay" when the sandwich girl messes up your order and you're asked to repeat it two more times, and nicely correcting someone when they mispronounce your name, and even being kind to the outsourced Indian folks who can't seem to understand your problem as they scour their manuals to figure out how to respond.

These are but small things that can make or break your day.... if you choose to let it. Don't be a pushover, just be nice about it. There's a nice way to give meaningful and timely feedback to help, and then there's the way that is smeared with negativity and annoyance. It's often hard to choose the former, but why not try it first.

At least that is what I have been thinking about as of late. I can't control what sort of stuff gets thrown my way... I can't control who irritates me or how quickly my hormones react to someone in a short period of time on the inside, but I can choose how I am responding on the outside - hormones and everything! I can choose to smile instead of grimace... to laugh instead of an eye roll, to be uplifting and positive - in light of all the things I have not done, have yet to do and might not be able to do....

And then - of course, the prayer and scripture study comes in handy as my ultimate shield with my positive attitude as my light saber.

Five more days left of work!

I'll Say a Little Prayer for You...

Please say a lil prayer for me... I will need it this week!

2 more weeks until I'm off on maternity leave
93 steps I went up this morning before I lost count trying to focus on my breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth
4 times I got up in the middle of the night to pee
1 quality review that will most likely kill me this week
121 jobs to sort through in my team's portfolio before I leave
9 open staffing needs that are impossible
117 people on my team to service
5 pairs of shoes in my cabinet that are all too stuffy for my swollen feet now

But who's counting? Power of prayer will help me through. That I do count on.

It's Never Too Late!

My daily newsletters kindly informed me that I might get carpal tunnel syndrome - temporarily of course, but due to the hormone infusion in my body from the baby. Of course, I thought I was so lucky not to have any such symptoms. My daily newsletters also kindly informed me of swollen feet, another temporary symptom that I was lucky to not have encountered.

Alas, it's never too late. Just like it's never too late to repent, just like it's never too late to pick up a new hobby, just like it's never too late to eat something foreign to you, just like it's never too late to change... it's also never too late for those pregnancy hormones to kick in!

At lunch yesterday, I could barely hold my fork with my right hand. In fact, it was sore just holding it - as if I had worked out my hand (is that possible?!), then it was just sore, and then, it was tingly when I woke up. Having a hypochondriac for a husband medical student, I can attest to the fact that tingly in the hands is not a good thing.

At work lately, my poor feet have been struggling to fit into my work shoes. When I started with the Firm, the strict dress code was no open toed shoes, however, with time, the code has relaxed a bit and luckily, this means a little bit of breathing room for my feet - or as much as a peep toed shoe can offer. However, my toes have not simply swollen, the entire foot has and thus even this tiny hole provides no comfort for my feet to breathe. Add to that the 100+ steps of Angel's Flight I walk up and down everyday to get to my office equals a very unhappy, huffing and puffing, pregnant me.

But I'm outside of my body. As painful as it is becoming, I am striving to make it to the due date because I selfishly want all of my paid time off from the state of California and the Firm. My body is a temple that is baking a baby and the change in my body is a constant reminder that it's indeed never too late - never too late to do good, never too late to change for the better, never too late to start feeling way prego. Yikes!

Baby Photos

My brother's taking me to lunch but he's not here yet and I'm too hungry and pregnant to focus on work, so I've begun my lunch break already.

Do you think the baby will look like me....?

or Andy?
I hope our baby looks like Andy cuz he was so cute! I'd rather have our daughter look like me...

Life's Tough as a Party Girl But Someone's Gotta Do It!

Two parties in just one weekend and though I was only hostess to one, I am only halfway through my thank you cards since the first party was for me, but relaxing after a well done team effort to clean up after the second party with the husband. Life's tough as a party girl but someone's gotta do it! I'll gladly be that someone.

Party number one was a baby shower thrown for me by two girls I met through Church. Now, when Andy and I first started going to the new "married" people Church that we were reassigned to (in our Church, when single from 18 - 31, you are assigned to a "Singles Ward" and ward is just another word to designate between the different demographic or language split ups for when we meet at Church), never would I have imagined nine months later, I would actually have friends to throw me a baby shower! Nor would I have imagined having more than 5 people show up because let's face it, it's hard to make friends! Add to that the fact that everyone seems to already know each other and I'm not a dental school wife (huge contingency of dental students at our married people Church) and I can come across as shy/mean/witchy/ snobby when you first meet me (been told by many at work)...

Miraculously, with a little bit of prayer, and a lot of blog stalking (on my part), I not only began to feel comfortable in our new ward, I also began to realize why our Church is set up with structure the way it is and that part of the problem was me and my lack of action to meet and make friends. You see.. one can only enjoy blog stalking for so long- one needs friends in real life too. One can continue going to Church alone (Andy had a lot of calls), feel the Spirit, understand dedicated attendance at church meetings are important, sprint out of Church immediately when it ends so many times before one feels lonely and in need of company. A lot of ex-Mormons poke fun about our Church's monthly home and visiting teaching program* and how we may all grief over getting it done the last weekend of the month. They make it sound like it's useless but we do it because we follow blindly. Too bad they can't realize the beauty of the organization that has been restored for us that helps us when we're in need.

I guess I never had to worry about making friends at Church because from day one of showing up at Church, I had been the "investigator" and then the "recent convert" whereas in the new ward, I was no longer the new investigator that everyone went out of their way to meet. I was no longer the recent convert that everyone was trying to fellowship. I was just another somebody.. Who felt like a nobody. And don't think anybody cared. Except Him. Heavenly Father had my back.

Not only did I have a baby shower - I had one of those cute ones that I admire from afar online with matching everything, themed something, delicious yummies and uber cute games and prizes.

"It's a Boy!" banner that will be re-used and hang over the baby's crib. Love Martha Stewart poms!

I'm just bananas over the theme!

Love the color combo - not your typical baby blue!

Pancakes, Croissants, Fruit, Spinach Salad, Cupcakes - miam!

in case you missed the theme!

the best part about the deco? will be worn by our boy later! that lil monkey!

Group Shot

a palette of baby food!

being served on a silver platter!

stinky poop on a diaper

but it's really just chocolate

Loveeeee the banana gummies

These girls planned the whole shin dig!

Andy is going to build a shelf to put these blocks on in the study/baby's room.

Stop monkeying around and check out dem cupcakes!

Second party was our first ever real adult party. Meaning, there were kids there too (a bit of a paradox). All together, we had 13 adults, 6 kids and 1 baby. Just another typical Sunday potluck with friends who also live atop the hills in our little tucked away corner of Los Angeles, except it's not so typical and the only thing typical about it was our constant mentioning of how we should do it for the last 6 months. Finally, I took charge, sent out an evite and Andy and I opened our home for a Texas style BBQ potluck (only two families showed up according to theme and Andy wouldn't put on my authentic Texas cowboy hat so we failed). We had pulled buffalo chicken sandwiches, corn on the cob, cheesy biscuits, guacamole and chips, lemon bread, cookies, strawberries, lemonade and punch (forgot to take photos.. bummer) but the best part was having 5 kids run around playing hide n seek, loving their corn on the cob, and daring each other to get in the dryer (I monitored them and saw one of the girls scold the others with, "Come on guys, this is not something to play around with!" as she closed the dryer and ended their dialogue of who would go in first). After everyone left, we spent a good forty-five minutes cleaning up, but it was great and totally worth it! I'd do it again in a heartbeat because opening our home up to others every now is oodles of fun and it helps train us for when we'll get to open our home for the family to come for Christmas!

Life's a ball when you're just partying it up. I had a great weekend and should consider going into the party planning business. I'm not as good as the ladies who threw my baby shower, but I'm sure I'll have lots of practice over the years with kid birthday parties, a bridal shower for my BFF coming up! and hopefully, some baby showers for my own friends once they are prego! Excited for the opportunity and looking forward to it!

*The home teaching is when two priesthood (males) visit a family and the visiting teaching is just for the sisters of the Church to visit each other in pairs as well. Visiting teaching and home teaching is how I met most of the people I know well at Church today.