Day Two: Regret is Painful

 Today was difficult.  It's only the second day Daisy, I know - I know. But let me explain.  Dagny had a music lesson that was in person with a studio that is deemed safe and is doing all the necessary things and taking precautions to keep us distanced and safe.  Not a problem.  I had to bring the other kids with me.  They had Chinese worksheets to practice character strokes and memorization in the car.  I brought an ipad for the youngest, there are shape learning games he can play.  I expected to sit with them.  But it was a parent class and I had to attend with Dagny.  There were only five of us in class with our kids.  Everyone started to talk about back to school since it had just been the day before for most of the people in our nearby neighborhoods.  This, my friends, is when regret hit.  All of a sudden, I had that knee jerk reaction of WHY THE HECK WOULD YOU KEEP ALL YOUR KIDS AT HOME WHEN YOU'RE ONLY A FEW YEARS FROM BEING AWAY FROM THEM ALL?!?!?!  ARE YOU CRAZY?!?! 

I think I have to explain that one of the huge reasons we are attempting homeschool is because I want my kids to learn Chinese but I'm kind of done with the Chinese immersion program we were attending.  I could send my kids to the regular English school but then they would be in school until 3:30 PM and by the time we settled at home and relaxed, I'd have to teach them Chinese before our evening dinner and activities resumed.  Or, we'd have to wake up super early to learn before school.  And where's the incentive for anyone to do that?  Instead, I started to think about how my kids who have started school all missed being with me, spending time with me, exploring with me, and playing with their friends.  For me as a child, school was my only outlet to see friends and learn.  I looked forward to school every summer and dreaded my long boring summers at home with super workbooks and nothing else.  But my kids have a different life at home.  Their mom is available to do stuff, experiment, projects, field trips, all that jazz.  So I had always wondered if homeschooling was an option that would give me the opportunity to take my kids out to explore and learn in a different way than at school.  So along with being able to learn Chinese together, we would also be able to go and do fun things and learn in non traditional ways.  The first time I even got this idea was when we were doing a rotation as a family of five in Washington D.C.  There was a family there who homeschooled (they also had chickens, I'm not sure why this is important but I think it explains my fascination with wanting to raise chickens too - don't worry, Andy has said no repeatedly and I'm not winning this one) and the mother had come from a homeschooling family herself.  Apparently, her family was amazing.  A bunch of kids and they all went to Ivy League schools and now she was homeschooling her crew.  I found her Instagram because we had some mutual friends, she was actually in our Church Ward at the time we were visiting but I didn't meet her or her sister, but heard about them.  I spent hours scrolling through her Instagram account, wondering if I could ever homeschool my kids.  It seemed amazing.  Exploring with your kids.  Learning through reading and being, rather than an institutionalized approach.  Hmm.  It definitely peaked my interest.  But to be honest, I was exhausted just scrolling through her feed.  Plus I was physically exhausted as is, wandering around the City with three kids and no car.  I created a tab and filed it until recently.  And I guess the more I have been wondering about it, the more I have wanted to try it.  I'm sure the feed was a bit glorified, and as my thoughts of regret have peaked on my second day, I'm positive there's going to be a lot of ups AND downs definitely, but it was part of the reason why I wanted to try it.  

So after music we ended up going to Lakeshore Learning to pick up some stuff.  I was looking for math manipulatives, a word I had seen tossed out in the Facebook Homeschool groups I'm a part of now, but it ended up looking like junk I didn't want in my house.  Instead, we got some stopwatches and Dagny and Cooper both got a fun lil activity book - Dagny's was a mosaic mermaid peel and stick thing and Cooper's was a water powered look and find book.  We also got some dry erase markers and a map, because I also want to do some geography with my kids.  And then we headed to Chic Fil A because I wanted a salad and McDonald's just doesn't satisfy.  Plus the lemonade at Chick Fil A is so good.  We had an appointment at the library so we headed back to grab a book, but I ended up grabbing a bunch of display books the library had in their roped off area.  And then, we finally made it home to eat.  I fell asleep that afternoon during our scripture and meditation hour, and half asleep kept commanding my kids to hurry up and read some scriptures and meditate.  When I finally woke up, we had to grab some food to prepare dinner, so we went off to the store again with masks.  We're getting pretty good at masking up together.  I didn't want to leave my kids alone in the car with the AC on, so instead I piled them into the grocery cart with my phone and a show on, and I ran about to grab items while they sat there in the store.  

But then we had some neighbor friends come over while I prepared dinner and just relaxed.  Dinner came too fast, and then the normal nighttime workload.  I work every evening from 8:30 - 10:30, but it gets me out of bedtime and I'm okay with it.  It is kind of weird to work every night again, but it does make me really value my weekends.  Now with homeschooling, I'm feeling quite busy every day.  But I'm trying to give myself some grace until I figure things out more.  And that's why we ate out, and likely will eat out a bit more until things normalize.  

Day One: Here We Go....!

We began homeschooling on Monday and it was.... well, first of all, we don't even have all our supplies yet.  So many people are turning to homeschooling that most of the textbooks and curriculum we ordered still aren't here yet.  So that presented the first challenge.  Second, we had just returned from an amazing Lake Powell trip with Andy getting some kind of stomach virus, so the entire weekend felt like a slap in the face with vacation withdrawals and a sick husband who couldn't do anything.  Not quite how I had planned the days leading up to our first day of homeschooling, but oh well.  Sometimes you just gotta roll with the punches you're given, right?  

I had gotten some advice from experienced homeschoolers to "unschool" my kids a little bit, but given my own upbringing, I couldn't bring myself to completely "unschool" them.  We halted the zoom Chinese meetings I had been running with their peers twice a week all summer, and we did less rigid math worksheets each day.  But I wanted to really wanted to give my kids a fun first day experience and a learning environment that was conducive to my sanity - so organized and put away when we weren't doing it (since the dining room is essentially our schoolroom).  I made some last minute trips to Walmart and Target on the hunt for some storage and cute room decor.  I ended up moving some boards around the house so we had a "white board" to learn on, and repurposed some of our existing storage to create school supplies easily accessible.  I even made a "Phillips Classroom 2020" list of rules for the kids to go over the first day.  But we hadn't finalized when piano lessons would be.  And I hadn't figured out if teaching the kids the same subject across all three kids would work better than having them do different subjects.  And I certainly hadn't figured out what Cooper was going to be doing while the big kids were in school.  So my mind was a little bit of a hot mess, trying to calculate and plan, and figure out everything.  

We started out the first day by taking photos of everyone with their "first day of school" signs.  Cooper is actually the only one going into school twice a week, but he doesn't start until September, but as always, he wanted to be included, and he couldn't wait for his turn.  This quality would become very useful throughout the day.  As we started out, Dagny started demanding to learn addition.  In her mind, she was ready for first grade math.  I had plans for her to work on writing her numbers correctly, but according to her, she already knew how and was ready to do addition!  Not quite what I had expected.  Meanwhile, Jordan and Bubba were loving the online writing game I had subscribed to, and Cooper was busy going over some Mickey flashcards I got on clearance at Target.  He asked me when everyone was going to school, and when I told him this was school, he gave me a scoff, laughed, and said, "this isn't school Mom!" and it cracked me up.  He definitely has an idea of what school is, he was expecting us to take everyone to school, and he was happily disappointed as he got his siblings to play with all day.  I went over some math with Jordan and Bubba, and Dagny and Cooper ended up playing with some of our learning puzzles nearby.  It was all feeling good.  But then we got to Chinese, and I realized holy smokes, there is a lot I have to teach.  In order to fully get our kids immersed in the Chinese language, not only do they have to understand the characters, they have to know how to use it in a sentence, and then write it, but not just write it, but in the correct stroke order.  Chinese is a very difficult language!  I'm starting to appreciate my own Chinese education a lot more than ever before.  

Andy's cousin is also currently homeschooling so the kids got to have a fun playdate with her kids in the afternoon.  We went for our annual ice cream on the first day of school tradition, and the kids all said they had a great day.  

I Can't Sleep!

I can't sleep lately, my mind has been a whirlwind of new information and the adrenaline of processing and analyzing all the new terminology, scheduling, and homeschooling process as we attempt to do it through a public charter school which supports us, provides accountability and guidance, and most importantly... funding... is absolutely insane and wonderful all at once! 

I spent a few days just reading and reading through the MyTechHigh parent link, absorbing all the information, and then really trying to understand how the entire process works.  I joined facebook groups, read through posts and comments, and then did a bunch of research on my own online, talked to friends I have who homeschooled, and friends who were also planning to make the switch.  It's a new community I've suddenly become a part of and it's exciting, and scary, and fun - all at once!

It made me realize, I probably need to go back to work once my kids are done with school.  Or have a side hustle.  Or invest in a bunch of new hobbies.  Even though I have looked forward to the future two years ahead when I'd be able to leisurely dine with girlfriends over slow relaxing lunches, I hadn't really thought about the rest of my day, and what that might look like.  I've dived straight into maintaining our household routines and finances, but that only keeps me occupied for part of the day.  There's something magnetic and thrilling about this new adventure of homeschooling that has kept me awake at night (literally) and it feels like I'm pumped with caffeine (even though I don't drink any caffeine, not even diet soda). 

I have finally begun to use some of my abandoned skills from my working days in coming up with class descriptions for custom-built courses I am doing with my kids.  I have been trying to figure out a better excel workbook to track all the expenditures as well as the reimbursement and receipt process.  I have been joining zoom calls with Q&A, feeling like I'm in the work place again, and realizing I made a much larger sacrifice than I originally thought when I became a SAHM.  I do not have any regrets regarding my decisions, but I miss the high energy, demanding schedule and budget demands of my prior life.  Of course there's as balance, and I also don't miss the political drama or late nights, or when I messed up at work.  And I do love being able to sit in my pajamas until I feel like it, put make-up on whenever, take a nap here and there, clean my kitchen and watch my kids, etc. 

Perhaps I always was a bit curious about homeschooling, but never brave enough to attempt it.  The Covid-19 situation has really provided me with a new opportunity to try it, even if for a year, and I have no idea what will happen.  I may go insane the first day or week of homeschooling.  I may love AND hate it, which is the likely outcome, but I am super excited, as if I'm starting work at a new company, for the first time, so at least there's that. 

A New Normal and Adventure: Homeschooling

Perhaps I stopped blogging a while back because I became more active on Instagram.  When new ways of journaling pop up, the old ways seem to take a back seat.  My husband also invested time and money into videotaping all our adventures, and so our historian duties quickly transferred to him.  And I seriously have too many Chatbooks that making more seems more of a problem finding where to put them than making a significant historical impact.  But now a new journey has taken over our lives, and I want to capture it, and so I've returned.

We've decided to homeschool our children.  Given the current climate with covid and the restrictions placed on our kids with so many unknowns about how long all of this may last, I reluctantly revisited an idea I've always been interested in, but always a bit fearful to approach.  I am 100% a mask wearer and supporter, but even after donning a mask on for a quick grocery store trip, I am nauseous and my head hurts from the mask.  I had to wear one yesterday on an Uber ride home from the car dealership where service was looking at my broken sliding doors (which magically worked 100% throughout the day while being diagnosed, of course) and the car was a cocktail of Lysol that nauseated me for hours after returning home.  I just can't imagine my children being able to effectively learn Chinese (when you can't even see the teacher's mouth moving) or anything else.  The Chinese immersion program we had been a part of was so amazing, but when distance learning hit in March, my kids were trying hard to just maintain what they had learned, and definitely didn't learn anymore.  And yet I can't fault the teachers, they're all struggling as much as the next person with their kids suddenly home and trying to find curriculum to put online and learn new technology for this new normal.

I had always wanted to homeschool, but truth be told I was afraid of the stigmatism surrounding it.  The old "your kids will be so socially awkward" myths, the dilemma of how to "socialize kids normally" when they're home with you all day (I'm pretty cool, if I do say so myself), and the constant responsibility and workload of having kids with me 24/7 -  I mean I am two years away from having my kids all in school and being able to take adult lunches with adults.

But what ultimately me convinced me was the combination of the temporarily unknown as we navigate the new normal, and the ease of doing it based on all the tools now available as more people lean towards homeschooling.  Homeschooling isn't what it was 10 years ago, much less 20 or 30 years ago.  The industry has grown with attempts to help guide children to grow and learn, and if I ever wanted to homeschool, this is the time to do it when they're all relatively young and I can't screw them or their education up that much.  I'll have three kids in school: a kindergartener, second grader, and fourth grader, and one three year old just around for kicks and giggles.

I've found a charter school that keeps me accountable and provides funding as I approach my first efforts.  I've been pouring over the guidance and scouring the learning options, and I plan to attend a live session tomorrow for Q&A.  I've also been talking to friends who have homeschooled before, picking everyone's brains, and managing my own expectations as I predict I will go crazy a few times throughout the year with my kids home so often.

It's not what I expected.  It's not what I planned.  But it seems like the best option given I am already a SAHM.  It is an investment, a huge responsibility, and something I'm not quite ready for, but am prepared to learn and try my hand at.  I'm not sure what will happen, if my kids will love or hate this upcoming year, but either way, it would have been a weird year anyway.

New Year, New Me!

Just kidding, same old me.  Just more tired, waiting for those white hairs to show up, with a bit saggier skin and more crows feet than the year before.  I love goal making, so I always make big grand goals, and I always fail to meet them, but over the years, I manage to accomplish something.  The key is, I never compare to anyone else, just myself, and if I've improved a bit, then hooray!

I spent most of 2018 taking back my home.  I became sick of the piled up diaper boxes, kid toys, and wipes and trash that seemed to take over our home.  I started seeking out the Marie Kondo in more depth than originally (originally I scoffed at how anyone could realistically do that with kids) by actually reading the book and starting to go through some of her categories.  It was a slow arduous process, but over the course of the year, I managed to get into every single room, closet, space, corner, you name it.

So then in 2019, I wanted to take back my body.  Start to work out more consistently and eat better.  I'd say I'm better than I was in 2018, but not sure I actually accomplished my goal for 2019 to get my body back.  It's back, but it's still postpartum back.  I'll take a look at the ten year differences for people like Khloe Kardashian (hint: she is 5'10 and lost about 40 pounds and look amazing but also eats like nothing and works out all the time... not sure how realistic that is for myself) and think I need to do this again, but then a whiff of some McDonald's fries, and I'm back in my happy medium. My pants fit, even if there's a tiny shroom on top, the big shirt covers it, and I'm okay.

So now that 2020 has rolled around, I've been all consumed about taking back my mind.  I'm trying to read more, and everyone has told me to listen to audiobooks, but I just love reading words and slowly hearing the words in my mind.  There's something about actually taking in the words that I love, so even though I'll do podcasts for some things that are fun to listen to, I still enjoy the act of seeing the words and processing them that way.  Along with taking back my mind, I'm trying to do some tutorial videos in line with my work at my mom's school, Breakthrough Training Center.  I've got some exciting ideas, and am really looking forward to producing some hopefully useful content.  And then, out of nowhere, I also decided I wanted to stretch everyday and finally try to do the splits.  My entire life, I've had two resolutions over and over, and I've never managed to get there.  One is not biting my nails, and the other is doing the splits.  I've had spurts of pretty nails, but it never seems to last more than a month, and I'd like to get to the point where I can get a beautiful manicure and say, look at my beautiful hands.  As for the splits, the closest I got was after a year of the dance team in high school, but then I didn't do it my senior year, and well... the closest I ever got was 1999.

I know some people are scared of "resolutions."  There's been so much talk about changing the way you look at resolutions, making it a habit instead of a goal, but to me, it's all the same thing.  I make resolutions all throughout the year.  All throughout my life.  How else will I change and grow and improve myself?  I've been goal setting for years, failing, falling short, but still growing even if in tiny bits.  I think resolutions are great.  And I don't think you need to reword it to reframe your mind, as long as you realize you're probably not gonna get there right away, and you're probably not gonna reach your goal, and fall short of it instead, but that's still better than status quo.

Happy New Year!

New Young Women Theme Printable

I think my favorite calling will always be YW secretary.  Give anyone obsessed with excel and photoshop a job where they use those skills consistently to help organize, I mean come on.  So I was really sad when we moved and I lost my favorite calling ever, but excited that when I went back to visit my old YW crew, I saw they had a tiny new theme printed.  I knew immediately I had to do something.

I couldn't believe everyone trying to sell prints (cute but still...) for $5 online, so here's my print for personal use only, for everyone to freely download and print at Costco Photo.  The size options and costs are as follows:

16x20 is $6.99 photo
20x30 is $9.99 photo
Unfortunately both are lustre only, you can print at that size in matte, but it's not that glossy if you're worried about that.

Save my file to your computer, and then upload it into your Costco Photo account.  You can then designate what size you want printed.  Once you pick it up from the photo section of your local Costco (the large print area, it will be rolled up), you can then glue it onto foam board or if you're really fancy, frame it.  I'm the former, did you know?

Click on these links to download.
16x20 YW Theme Printable
20x30 YW Theme Printable

Please share if you know anyone else who would appreciate this.
UPDATE: If you want to print it as 20x30 at Costco, you can call them up immediately thereafter and request them to blow it up to 24x36 without any additional cost!

Surviving Summer

Every SAHM gets simultaneously excited and fearful for the end of the school year.  It's that time of year where you're just so dang tired of packing yet another school lunch and just about done with spending an hour in the car picking everyone up (which is short because we carpool), and are dreaming of lazy summer days.  I'm not sure what it is, but I cannot WAIT for summer to begin around the beginning of May.  But then reality sets in and I am scared out of my mind about how to deal with summer break and four kids, ages 7, 5, 3 and 1.  Do I sign them up for a buttload of camps and classes, and try to fill my schedule up with pseudo school like commitments?  Or do I enjoy being a pseudo homeschool mom and just assume full responsibility for most of the summer with my kids?  It's really hard to balance but this year, I decided above all, my main goal was for us to enjoy summer together. 

But in order to sort of thrive instead of just survive, I had to come up with some ground rules for our routines at home, otherwise I'd go insane and my kids would never cease to bug me about what is next and if they could do this or that.  Rules and routine definitely help with managing expectations, and it's something I've learned early on with four kids and my own sanity, that I must have.

So we set about figuring out a few camps and classes here and there for my three older kids.  And then it was all about what to do while home.  So I came up with a list of "Must Dos" for the kiddos.  In the past, we've had contracts that they must sign and commit to doing certain things before being granted screen time, but really my goal was to just eliminate screen time entirely or limit it to online learning or a super short show (Mini Force is not only in Mandarin on Netflix but is only 10 minutes each episode!). 

MUST DOs: Learning was the first thing I wanted them all to do consistently, no matter how our day went.  So I decided on an hour of learning (online for Bubba through the Waterford Upstart program, Mandarin Matrix for Jordan, and whatever Dagny felt like which is usually a combination of workbooks and online stuff too).  The morning routine remained the same, but instead of requiring everyone to have had their beds made and clothes on before breakfast, I let the kids eat at breakfast with their blankets and pajamas.  And bed making seems to have fallen out the window for the time being, but I kind would rather their rooms be picked up and neat, than their beds made, so that's been my main objective lately.  And, it's a nice little way of being more lax during the summer.  Other things that were important to me to have on a daily basis were outside play (weather permitting) and reading.  And then, on top of all that, I also want them to help out around the house, but we don't like calling them "chores" because quite frankly, it sounds like a chore!  Instead, it's helping others or a contribution, or a family responsibility.  I don't get paid to take care of my family, but I don't consider it a chore either.  It's an opportunity, and it's so important for my kids to understand that.  This small paradigm shift has been pretty key in our kids helping out around the house. 

Side note and digression: Sometimes, to be honest, they just don't want to help.  Around Valentine's we had some "sweetheart" candies in a small vase, and everytime someone did something "sweet" or deserving of being called a "sweetheart," they would also get a sweetheart candy.  My kids did so much "helping" that month.  There was love everywhere.  But even now, now that the sweethearts no longer sit there as physical incentives to help out, if I ask, "can someone help Mom," I get crickets... and then I ask, "who wants to be a sweetheart?" and someone will inevitably volunteer to do the task I'm asking for.  I think it's a mindset of understanding that when they do this item, they are helping out, and being a "sweetheart" versus being asked to do something and not feeling like anyone is grateful for their help, that it's just expected.  Hey, I feel the same way when my kids commend me for a great dinner..  I don't, however, feel so great when they're complaining about how much they hate the dinner I spent so much time putting together.  I think we forget it works both ways, with kids, they want to be noticed and complimented for their hard work contributing too! 

And the last thing we added to our Must Dos was "quiet time," which I had heard so much about from friends, but never before attempted.  But with the1 year old still napping once a day, I wanted a given time just for me.  So I set my kids up for success by explaining to them the way quiet time would work for us: they must be "quiet" in their room or a sibling's room, but they cannot go anywhere to bring anything in after quiet time has begun.  That means any books or toys they wanted in there, have to go in with them in the beginning.  No fighting or screen time opportunities are lost (normally they can have screen time while I work out, or they can earn it through development on the areas they need most improvement on, and this is different for each kid, depending on the challenges each is faced with).  Same goes for screaming, and the only exception to being able to come get mom is if you need your butt wiped. Yes, my kids still need help with their butts. 

Can Dos: Then, we came up with a list of "Can Dos" which essentially is a general outline for our bucket list this summer.  They encompass everything my kids might want to do and everything Mom's willing to take them to do on my own.  Our other list of things we can do are listed out generally as playdates (with friends at their homes or our homes), art projects (includes cooking projects because anal me wanted the same number of bullet points for both lists.. hehe), science projects, library trips, running errands, an adventures (trip to the mall playground, obstacle warrior gym, zoo, splash pad, museum, etc. and can and most often will include our friends, because that's just more fun for everyone).

Just being able to detail the stuff our helps the kids out as they wonder what we are up to each day.  So far, the key part of this whole equation has been my kids playing so wonderfully together, coming up with new games, using their imagination, looking forward to whatever is next, and having fun together.  There's still some fighting, lots of "I hate yous" and "he/she hit me!" complaints, but all in all, we are loving the lazy summer days.  I have gotten so much done around the house with my kids at home!  I am actively involved with them during meals, we usually read together, and try to get in some alone time with each kid (I'm not yet consistent about this but working towards it) and I have my own list of DIY projects I'm hoping to accomplish this summer, with or without my kids' help interference. 

The "Must Dos" give us just enough structure for the day, while the "Can Dos" keep us attentive for the rest of the time. The best part is hearing my sweet kids play together, and at the end of the night, have all three tell me separately, how much they love summer.

When I was a kid, my summers were so lonely and boring.  I never understood why other American kids seemed so excited for summer.  School seemed so much more fun!  Back home, I had super workbooks, but I hated them, thought they were too easy, and never got in trouble if I did it, or if I didn't, so I didn't and would often fib that I had.  Nobody ever checked.  I wasn't accountable to anyone.  I spent most of my days watching Disney movies on VHS (no cable or DVR or Netflix like the lucky kids these days!) hoping my mom would sign me up for summer school, and being bored, and then some more bored again.  I had a few classes here and there, but they never supplemented the boredom I felt at home.  If we did anything fun, it was mostly on the weekends, because both my parents worked when I was younger, and once my mom decided to stay at home, she eventually would be doing real estate and I'd be in PSAT classes by that time... so summer didn't feel any different than the other seasons, just more confined and limiting.  Now with my kids, I get why summer is fun.  Summer is a blast!  I am having so much fun with my kids, and I am treasuring these moments when most of summer is spent with me and the moms and their kids that I choose (Ha!).  I finally get it.  I think it took my oldest going to first grade for me to realize how great the lazy SAHM days were with my entire crew.  I remember rolling my eyes at the more seasoned moms telling me I would miss this busy time with all my little kids.  I get it now though.  They weren't talking about the crazy trying to juggle all four kids at the same time with blowouts, tantrums, and needy mom moments, they were talking about golden rainbow unicorns of everyone happy, loving mom, and hanging out with mom.  I get those for about 10 minutes each day when we're all sitting on the couch reading and my youngest even tries to get in on my lap for about 2 minutes before he's done.  Sure it's only been a few weeks, but so far, summer is kicking non summer's butt.  And it's pretty darn amazing.