I'm not particularly exceptional when it comes to selecting my scripture study materials for the day. There are some common and recurring items in my weekly round up including the Book of Mormon, the Old Testament (sooo slow.. only at Exodus!), and talks from the Prophet and Apostles. Not having any exceptional methodology of selecting items to study from, yesterday, quite frankly...dumbfounded me.
As I rode downtown aboard the metro train, my brain pondered over all the things I was to do leading up to the wedding. Seemingly small tasks, each one would take a bit of time and remembering I would be gone for two weekends in New York for my brother's graduation only made matters worse. I listed everything in my head, was about to write it down when I thought (and this has been a common thought) - if I can't even get through a wedding without stressing out, how am I going to handle kids running around, the family finances, cooking and cleaning, etc. ?! At times like these, I feel pretty inadequate.
The wonderful fiance reassured me that all would be okay and though he was right, I wasn't quite settled in believing him. On my way out from work, I quickly went to speeches.byu.edu to print out a talk for my train ride home and printed out the first two talks, both given in March of 2010. Not thinking much of the subject matters, I quickly packed my stuff and was on my way home.
Once in the train, I immediately learned the 5 o'clock train is just like the 5 o'clock bus - rush hour. As I stood there, holding on for dear life as the train shuffled me back and forth and I attempted to adjust my weight to prevent myself from tumbling forward, I began to read. And the Spirit was there.
I had been praying specifically for more strength when studying to feel the Spirit and be reminded of all the things Heavenly Father would have me understand and know. Recently, the Spirit was not as strong as He used to be during study time and I knew that was an indication that I was being pushed to grow even more.
In the talk, the speaker gets into a car accident and a family in his ward volunteers to help mow his lawn. Grateful, he offered to give him payment but the family refused. He said, "I might, because of pride or some other misguided notion, have chosen to refuse these gifts. That would have negated the giving of the gifts." As I read this, my heart wondered if my foolishness and fear of asking for help was prideful. Despite my lists of to do's and a former post about how it's okay to ask others for help, I have been stubborn in my ways and have refused asking for help beyond those who offer it.
And then... my mind wanders to others who are less fortunate than me. To the girl at work who is planning her wedding almost independently, and in contrast, there is me - who not only has a loving mother who has hand selected and made arrangements with the caterer, taken me with her friends to get bridal flowers and has most recently decided to do the centerpiece flower arrangements herself, but also a future mother in-law and sister in-law who have helped me with sewing questions, are making adorable matching flower girl dresses, have updated me on LDS traditions and even helped me find a family deejay!, and a best friend who has flown down to spend a weekend with me doing wedding stuff (and putting up with my anal, "no - not sure if I like that" attitude).. In my mind, I have so much help, how can I fathom asking for more?
But upon reading that talk... I knew, without a doubt, Heavenly Father was telling me... it is okay. It's okay to need help, even if you already have a lot of it... and it's okay to ask for help, even if you already have a lot of it. And as soon as I realized that, I felt warm and fuzzies all over.
So now... I just have to muster up some courage, avoid my stubborn ways, and ask for some help. eek!