Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Still Here...

My days seem to be measured by tantrums, hugs, an spit-ups lately.  I made it through a full week on my own with four kids, but I am wondering how in the world other people do it, especially those with even more kids than me!... because I am barely surviving.  If post-partum anger were a thing, I'd have it.  I am constantly angry and frustrated.  Mostly angry at myself, but a lot of times, at my kids who don't seem to understand the many things I want organized, cleaned, and done, and then sometimes at my husband too.  I know from Positive Parenting (a paid online course I am doing), that Andy and I are both "controlling" and "superior," not exactly a wonderful combination but probably explains why we get along so well.  Translated, it means we lecture, direct, demand and expect way too much.  It can be difficult to have two superior and controlling parents because we don't provide enough choices, show enough love, and need to listen more.  So lately, I've been trying to deflate the seriousness of the situation with humor, redirecting a blatant act of disobedience or whining with immediate one on one time, and "training" my kids whenever things are abnormally quiet and calm, not laced with multiple cries and whines.  Patience has never been my thing, and I am learning now, more than ever, why my demanding personality made a few associates cry back in the day (what? that never happened to you?!) but also give me the highest praise through anonymous upward feedback.  I am trying, failing most days, but picking myself up and trying.  Again and again.  I'm a record on repeat these days.

It's hard.  I can't do it.  I have to do it.  Why did I have four kids?!  These thoughts go through my head in and out, out and in, as I'm overwhelmed with activities, house tasks, grocery shopping, and coordinating everyone's schedules, needs, and wants.

I try to find time for myself to just relax with a face mask, watch a show while I'm nursing after everyone's asleep, work out, or blog (so I can look back and laugh at myself).  Blogging is indeed therapeutic for me, but also, when I hear older ladies at Church talk about how they don't really "remember" raising their kids, I get scared at how feeble my own memory may be in the future and make a silent commitment to be better about blogging with details and photos.

So I started off the week by going to the dentist with all 4 and then Dagny's dance class. Later, I did Costco with Dagny and Cooper while the boys were in school Monday afternoon.  We found out the $1.75 smoothies had gone up to $3 and are now sugar free and healthier.  On Tuesday, we planned to go to the library but Jordan laughed while Dagny disobeyed me, and I threw in the towel.  We did some couponing on Wednesday while the boys were in school again and Jordan had practice for soccer that evening.  On Thursday, we surveyed the backyard and the impending work we'd have to put in to get it back into useable shape, drove carpool for school, and retreated home afterwards.  I managed to get in a workout since Andy's thumb is not completely well so he's been skipping his weekly ball.  On Friday, we made it to a Partners in Medicine Easter egg hunt, and then stayed home and watched a lot of TV.  Andy got back early so we had In-n-Out for dinner and spent some time at a park before Andy went to a Jazz game with his mom (compliments of work), and I cleaned after the kids went to bed.  I barely cooked this last week, it was my reward to myself for surviving a week on my own.  We ate a lot of egg sandwiches, chicken nuggets, leftovers, quesadillas, and at my MIL's.

The weekend proved relaxing and a good reset on being at home with four kiddos. We had French toast and McDonald's wannabe ham and egg mcmuffins for breakfast, and the snow brought unexpected snow play.  I got more adult time when my HS friend Genny visited for a bit Sunday afternoon, and then the new week came upon me. 

No comments: