When It Rains... it Pours...

I used to always joke about how when it rains... it pours... except applied to men. I'm not alone in that saying because how many times do all the guys start calling when your heart has begun to settle on one? How many times do all your ex's seem to be interested in reconnecting when you have just started seeing someone? How many times do random guys ask for your number when you're taken but nobody even looks your way when you're not?

Well, the saying hasn't diminished much and the same holds true but instead.. I can now apply it to the adversary. In laymen's terms, the adversary is everything going against me, also known as oppossition. And first opposition starts out as a trickle--that bit of rainfall that you can wipe off your forehead without so much as a bit of a smudge. But almost within seconds, picture that precise moment when you tilt your head upwards to look into the sky and all of a sudden, the tiny cute raindrops have manifested themselves into humongous raindrops attacking your face with each splatter that engulfs your face, soaking it until you are struggling for air.

Temptation overwhelms me daily. I'm too scared to admit it's the adversary or Satan... I prefer to think it's just the temptation of the world trying to coax me back towards where I was. And where I was.. was not bad. I just choose to avoid those same temptations in order to be happier because this makes me happier and I have no judgment towards those who don't consider what are temptations to me, temptation.

The biggest misconception with religion are the things that religion makes someone do. Religion does not MAKE me do anything. I CHOOSE to live my life according to His commandments. I CHOOSE. Nobody MAKES me. Living by these commandments is a process, not an event. So yes, maybe I falter. Please don't point your finger and call me a hypocrite right away. It's the process of continual repentance which is not just knowing I did someting wrong and asking for forgiveness, but sincerely committing to avoid making those same mistakes again.

I'm sure my non-LDS friends are wondering... so I will take this time to answer. Yes, I do miss alcohol at times. And yes, I do think about cracking open a bottle of wine and drinking it by myself. But then I think...and then what? Start blogging about everything that is sad in my life by spinning humor on it and make someone else laugh while I have a pity party for one? No thank you. Misery loves company.. but I prefer to be the company for happiness because that's pretty awesome as well. I do also think about the times when I'm with friends saki bombing or just having a sip of wine over dinner and those times are so great, I am confident it is the same with or without the wine. I can be buzzed over the greatness of being with great people instead of losing my judgment and drunk dialing or texting random people.

And yes, there is a little bit of every Sex and the City character in me who will slowly wither away and as prudish or unfun as you may think that is... I think it's pretty amazing. The inappropriate Samantha, the confused Carrie, the by-the-rules to get married Charlotte and the professionally focused Miranda are and will always be a part of me... but my city is now sexless and promises to be committed, worthwhile and emotionally fulfilling.

Some might call it a coping mechanism. When it pours, floods come about and coping is not enough. I can't just tread water for a couple of minutes and hope the water dries out. I don't want to swim around aimlessly until I'm too tired to move. And I definitely don't want to drown. I want to float. I want to live... and live happily. So I call it the living mechanism. My living mechanism is through Him and I do not choose to call upon Him only in my time of need. I call upon Him everyday and ask for His blessing and strength and continue to strengthen my faith in Him.

You Can't Make a Leap of Faith By Sitting On Your Bum!

Belief is a funny thing. When I was younger, my mom swore to me that the Tooth Fairy was real and even though Santa Clause was a far fetched stretch of the imagination (and something I learned early on was not real), the Tooth Fairy ... the Tooth Fairy was definitely a different ballgame. Because the Tooth Fairy... she was real. Confident in my loving mother's honest ways, I brought the dollar bill I found under my pillow from a lost tooth exchanged from the Tooth Fairy, to school the next morning, to show off to all my friends. I was about seven years old. This was in second grade. Think back to second grade. What do you remember from it? Here's what I remember. Kids are darn cruel. Yes, even in second grade. Super duper cruel. I was devastated with what happened next.

First they laughed. Then they pointed and laughed. And then they ridiculed my stupidity, continued to point and obnoxiously laughed outloud. "You're soooo stupid!" "You're such a big baby!" Though the words were succint and to the point, they translated to a grown up's vocabulary of Wow, you really are gullible AND naive.

I went home that day dejected and disappointed in myself and my mother. How could I ever trust her again? I was scared to confront her but I was mad at how stupid I was for believing her. When I got home, despite my fear...I asked her why she lied to me. She said she didn't. I was furious!

"You told me there was a Tooth Fairy!" I screamed.

"There is" she told me.

"No there isn't!" I retorted. "The Tooth Fairy is fake just like Santa Clause!" I was so angry. I already knew the truth.. so why was she still trying to lie to me?

"Then how did that dollar bill get underneath your pillow and who took your tooth last night?" she asked me.

"You did!" I explained.

"Why can't I be your Tooth Fairy?" she asked.

I was silent. Technically, I never confirmed with her that a fairy with a cute little dress would fly into my window and use her wand to get my tooth out from under my pillow and give me money in exchange. Technically, the only thing I had discussed was the transactional side of the exchange and not the technicalities. Technically, she was right. Technically, I was still angry. Technically, I got over it.

I look back on that tooth fairy incident and laugh now. To me, the greater lesson learned is to think for yourself about what people tell you and consciously speculate whether it makes sense before believing too soon. Even at seven years of age, I knew people did not have wings. I knew fairies did not exist. But I wanted to believe that they did. I wanted to believe it was real even if it wasn't. Did I know if it was real? No, not really. But did I know if it was fake? No, not really. My beliefs were formulated around what I thought i knew.

As I continue investigating the Church, I earnestly seek reason behind every doctrine and the logic behind every principle taught. Despite seeking the aforementioned, I know in the deepest of my heart that this is the true Church. I know this weird feeling is not something I've concocted to reassure myself. I know this is God, knowing me and what I need and finding me when He knew I was ready. I know these weird events that have been happening in my life, what I like to call a series of coincidences too coincidental to be coincidental, is just part of his Plan to bring me back to Him. And I know I have never been happier. And regardless of what that means to anyone else, I know what it means to me and I know how I feel ... so sorry folks, this is it.

I'm not brainwashed. I choose to be faithful because I believe. I'm not a loner who is going to Church for the sense of community and support. My current friends are pretty amazing at that. I'm not joining the Church so I can find a guy, get married and make babies. I was already working on that before the Church (I have never hidden the fact that I want 5 kids and yes, I do know I'm already behind). I'm not jumping into this too quickly. It's been 2 months and I'm still not baptized (and it took a lot of self restraint to not jump into the water in San Jose the moment I felt the Spirit). If you're still confused, I invite you to come to Church with me, read the Book of Mormon and pray about it because no leaps of faith were ever made sitting on your bums!

Yes, I said it... a leap of faith. You knew it was coming because a) it was in the title and b) you're my friend so you must be smart (I know that's debatable at times for some of you)...

What is faith? Believing in something? Hoping that it will be like you believed? I turned to my hand dandy dictionary.com website for the official definition and the first two definitions stood out to me:

Faith [feyth] - noun
1. confidence or trust in a person or a thing;
2. belief that is not based on proof

To me, faith cannot coexist without this extensive exertion of leaping. Without this leap, your faith is lazy and faltering and most likely won't uphold much of a wind, a tiny push or any sort of opposition. Because if it's not strong enough for you to take a leap in which you may fall iinto who knows where.. it's not worth it. Everyone takes leaps of faith but not every leap is one associated with religion. Love is a leap of faith. One never knows when they'll wake up one day and be out of love. Yet we continue falling into it, putting our heart on the line making sacrifices for our significant other without any sort of guarantee that it will be recipocrated except for our faith in the fact that it will. Or our faith in the one we love. Well that my friends, is similar to the faith I experience with God.

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." (Hebrews 11)

"...faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true..." (Alma 32:21)

Those words were so powerful to me because they are spot on. I'm not sure how faith works... nor do I know why it works. What I do know is the impact it has had on my life lately and how receptive I am to those changes. I know it freaks some people out but if my faith isn't hurting anyone so I'm confused about why anybody would be concerned about my faith. My faith makes me happy. My faith encourages me to live my life in accordance with His commandments. I don't think my faith has made me a better person. Or a nicer person (I'd like to think I was already kind, generous, thoughtful and considerate before) but I do sincerely think it makes me who I am and pushes me to be even better and nicer than I was (that does not mean I will stop being sarcastic or sassy). My faith truly completes me. And that ... is pretty awesome. Plus, at the end of the day, I'd hate to be selfish but .. it's my leap.... I am not falling into any abyss so just let me make my leap and watch how great it is. If you want to make a similar leap, let's talk. We can leap together.

Maybe...Maybe Not...

Maybe it was hormonal.
Maybe it was something I ate.
Maybe it was environmental.
Maybe it was a chemical imbalance.
Maybe it was pyschological.
Maybe it was just a fleeting moment.
Maybe it was nuerological.
Maybe.

Maybe not.

It was overwhelmingly coincidental, emotionally touching and shockingly alarming.

The first time I felt it.. what Mormons call the Holy Spirit or Ghost... was all of the above and more. It's an uncontrollable swelling in your chest, a large sigh of *crap, is this really happening and just pure insanity. I actually prefer to call it the Holy Spirit because Holy Ghost just sounds scary...although I suppose that's the best description --scary. It's amazingly, surprinsingly and completely scary and it touched me and changed me.

At first.. I told myself maybe. Maybe I just needed it and was making it up. But that's if it happened once. Maybe twice. And this was definitely more than once or twice.

As I began investigating the Church (Mormons call us "investigators"), I was told of the Holy Spirit's power and how "by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things" (Moroni 10:5) which baffled me. In fact, I think I thought WTF. Yes.. there's a curse word in that acronmyn. What do you mean pray to know and find out for myself? Aren't you supposed to tell me what to believe? Nope. Mormons don't tell you what to believe. They teach you about their Gospel, their doctrines and then... it's up to you to pray about it and find out for yourself.

So I did that.

I prayed.

And I prayed.

And then sometimes I forgot... but then when I remembered, I prayed some more.

And it wasn't immediate.

It wasn't consistent.

But it happened.

I got an answer. Not a literal God's almighty voice appearing in the flesh in front of me.. but I got my answer. Or answers. Because.. if you know me, you know I'm full of questions.

It Used to Be Just Me...

Nobody likes to admit they rely on anything.

Ask anyone who drinks a cup of a coffee a day whether they could live without it and the immediate confident response is "of course" but often followed with .. "if I wanted to.."

Challenge someone to quit smoking and piece of cake! Bet is on! ...That is, until they cease to quit. "I'm not a quitter!" some say... or "I'll quit until I feel like smoking again..." So in other words, you didn't really quit, you just took a break.

Moreover, nobody likes to admit they rely on anyone.

We are a strong species known as arrogant, pompous, self-righteous and downright cocky. Humble we may aim to be but shortfall we likely encounter. Moral we may claim to reflect but justification we likely retort.

Society teaches us to be self-reliant, independent and strong. Effective habits are derived from within and despite the fact that environment and interactions with others eventually impact us... it all seems to start from within. Our most important relationship is with ourself because that is the only person we have at the end of the day.

But what if yourself is just not enough?

A couple months ago, I went on a short term assignment to Northern California. I was excited for the opportunity to reconnect with all my friends who lived in the bay and start a new project with a new group. The change was going to be refreshing, invigorating and exciting!

It was there that I learned the true art of independence. Because as much as I loved my friends, especially the ones who made me genuinely laugh until my cheeks were sore from over-use and the ones who would listen to me moan and groan about life and offered meaningful advice for change no matter how many times my complaints seem to repeat prior complaints...-- they weren't always around. In fact, most of them were in serious relationships, separated from me by distance, occupied by work or married.

And as much as I loved talking to my family everyday...about how the dog was lying in a weird position and making the cutest sound ever, how happy the new home was making them or how exciting film school was along with the Big Apple...the rents and the bro weren't around when I felt like grabbing a movie last minute, eating dinner with company or going to the gym for a work out.

So alone, I learned how to cook and the art of using tupperware for my leftovers. Alone, I skipped to the gym and didn't feel guilty about working 10 minutes or 90. Alone, I went to the movies and sat by couples, laughing and enjoying the movie (where you can't really talk to anyone anyway) whilst having a blast myself. Alone, I lived my life and loved it.

But something was missing. Something was empty. It was just me .. and it was great, yet it wasn't. What was I missing? A new outfit? A new haircut? A new boyfriend? A new apartment? A new job? And with those thoughts... I started wondering if there was more to life than the happiness I had so far. And somehow, those wandering thoughts, that curiosity for more.. led to me going to Church.

Me? Religious? Never! Having grown up in a family where religion wasn't present but principles, values, culture and tradition were heavily emphasized through actions more than words (no TV on the weekdays, family dinners were a must, filial piety was expected-not encouraged, and consideration for others came before your own needs), I never questioned what was right or wrong and welcomed debates with others to discuss the different outlooks, society's interpretation and the steady decline our morals seemed to have taken lately. I admired those who were religious but did not ever wonder what it was all about. In fact, after having a stint with attending Church every Sunday for a year in high school and subsequently witnessing the hypocritcal nature of religious college students who did not come across as "good" people which thereby lead me to stop going to Church, I could safely say I had tried it.

And then, against everything I knew and believed in... I was introduced to the Church of Jesus Christ Latter Day Saints. And that... that began my journey of not just me. I would soon get to know someone I had known all my life, but somehow forgotten. I would soon get to know the truth. I was ready and He knew.

Today is the day of miracles

I had to wake up at 6:30 this morning; a Sunday morning mind you. Those who know me well, know that isn't early. I thought I would try and elicit sympathy from those who don't know me well.

There are certain events that regardless of what time I have to rise from bed, I will do so with a smile on my face. Golf is one of those such occasions. Playing with Sophie would be another... unless she's poopy. Then I would wake up at any time after Tammy changes her. Priesthood meetings are another, and that is the reason I arose early this morning.

I left the house with plenty of time to get to the church and relax before the meeting started. However, when I turned my car on, I couldn't shift it out of park. Regardless of what I did, the car would not cooperate. I have had that happen before, and tried all the tricks that worked in the past. Nothing. I said a quick prayer. Nothing immediate. I called my mom. She told me to try the tricks I had already tried. She then said she would help me get in touch with my pops. We hung up and I had the distinct impression to lift upward on the brake pedal and then try again. I followed the impression. I ended up making it to priesthood before the first speaker had started.

No mountains were moved, no angels were seen, no voice was heard. But I know that I saw the hand of the Lord in my life this morning. Such events happen daily in my life. Recognizing them is something that helps me remember that the Lord is on my side, and that He cares enough to be a part of my life. Without a doubt, if you too have sought help from your Maker, if you look with spiritual eyes, you will notice the miracles that have happened in yours.

A little experiment

Below I have posted one of my favorite quotes. As you read it, pay attention to how you feel. Read it a few times and ponder it for a moment, being sure to stay focused on listening to your heart.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson

If you had to describe what you felt, I would imagine words like love, joy, peace, gentleness, goodness, faith, warmth, or hope come to mind. Such feelings are bound to fill our hearts when we are engaged in good works; other activities are bound to cast them out. The key to a happy life would be to learn to do that which invites such feelings, and to avoid the things that drive them away.

Almost sounds too simple to be true. Try it for the next two weeks. You'll find that through small and simple means, great things can come to pass in your life.

Since I'm without a valentine...

On my couch the past two nights has been sleeping one of my good friends. In my dictionary I define good friends as someone who helps you to reach your full potential: I have realized that my life has been full of such people.

I started my life being born into a household of friends. Friends who fed me, cleaned my diapers, and helped my learn the fundamentals of life. They taught me how to make more friends. They taught me everything I have ever needed to know to be happy. They have always been there and will continue to be there for me.

I then began making friends who weren't obligation to love me. Friends who helped me learn to share. I had friends who showed me what it meant to develop talents, by outworking me. Because of them, I tried to do the same. I have friends who showed me what it meant to be a friend, when they would stand by me, when I didn't deserve it. Friends who turned the other cheek as I failed at trying to do the same for them. I have friends who I saw stand up for their beliefs, their standards when it would have been easy to cave. They made it easier for me to do the same. I had friends who helped me decide to go on a mission, because they never wavered in their desire to go. How could I not dedicate two years, when they who had so much more to lose were so steadfast in their decision?

And most importantly, I have a Friend who came into this life, born in a manger. He lived a perfect life, and He was mocked, spit upon, lashed, and eventually crucified. A Friend who bore the weight of all my sins; who gave a sacrifice so great, that if I become a better Friend to Him, He will help me become like Him.