The nights are the hardest. Between falling in and out of sleep with Jordan still feeding, the minutes have lapsed into dreamlike moments of flashbacks and a muddle between reality and the sleep we both yearn for. On multiple occasions, Andy and I have both awakened with a startled jolt, flipping through the bedsheets wondering if we've suffocated Jordan on the bed from falling asleep while holding him then dropping him between the ruffle of blankets. Luckily, each frightening flip out moment has been a mere lapse of judgment between being awake and asleep and in actuality, he is safely sleeping in his pack n play every time.
We forget that we've put him down. We forget how many minutes he's been feeding. We forget how long it's been since we last slept through the night.
We are quicker at changing his diaper and he is not as unhappy when we do. Daddy has figured out that talking him through the process helps to calm him. The pee pee into the air moments have decreased in occurrence. The poo poo missiles have only appeared twice. The changing pad cover has been shielded from poop overflow with different towels (we have gone through about five in nine days) and I intend to make some more diaper changing pad covers with the leftover blue minky when time permits (not for a while).
Morning comes. The sun peeks through our curtains. We are able to fully enjoy his company void of the sleep deprivation we feel nightly. We can stare at him for hours, still in shock that we brought this sweet spirit into the world. We wonder if he sees us when his eyes are open and looking out into the world in front of him. We talk to him. We sing to him. We tell him we love him. We shower him with kisses but all he wants are the boobs. We rock him to sleep. We swaddle him to safety. We love him with all our might.
It feels pretty dang good. They weren't lying when they said the love you feel is priceless, intangible by words, and endlessly overflowing. They weren't lying when they said you can better grasp the love Heavenly Father has for you as infinity beyond what you feel for your own children.
We are learning everyday. We are trying everyday. We are getting a bit better everyday. We are stumbling everyday. We are grateful everyday. We are doing our best everyday. We are parents and it feels... pretty dang good.