Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Spontaneous Dance Parties In My Living Room

Despite thinking I had my routine down back here, it's taken a gruesome regression, a lot of crying, a ton of rude awakenings in the morning, and a very exhausted, eyes hurting, body aching me to finally convince me that a more stringent routine was necessary for my own sanity.

Basically, I had to come to terms with the fact that I am not entirely a stay at home mom.  I sometimes forget that I do work part time... albeit it from home, for sixteen hours a week.  That said, I do NOT (always) have the option to go out with other moms on play dates or lunch dates nor do I have the luxury of random shopping trips.  I have had to come to terms with defining my wants versus my needs and after a bit of maturing, I finally buckled down and started to work during every one of Jordan's morning and afternoon naps and simultaneously stopped going out on the spur.  Putting my own needs wants on hold for that of my child is hard.  I feel absolutely awful, like worst mother of the year for admitting that, but it truly is.  Finally acknowledging that my free time (his nap time) is actually my work time (and not cleaning... not cooking... not crafting... not surfing the web... not blogging... not Pinterest... not television... not reading... not any of the fun stuff I thought I'd be doing as a stay at home mom!) has been very humbling.

The absolutely worst part of it all was that I didn't come to this epiphany on my own.  I actually made many very stupid errors and was asked to more critically self review my work.  That was a very nice way for my superior to tell me I was being careless and stupid.  I like succeeding.  I think most people do.  I dislike failure.  I think most people do.  But I really appreciate how our reactions when we fail define us, build character, and strengthen us.. or so I'm hoping.  Admitting your own shortcomings, finding a way to overcome them, and committing to change is no easy task.  Now that I've come to accept my day consists of Jordan and work, and a few trips for errands and groceries, I've become more at ease.  Less stressed.  More motivated.  And happily, we've eaten less frozen meals.

With a little planning and a little sacrificing, my days have become much more enjoyable.  I've managed to get in a good 3-4 hours of work before 4 PM on most days (once at his 10 AM nap, once more at his 2 PM nap) and then we're off for errands and playtime!  Knowing that work begins at 10 AM has enabled me to play with Jordan after breakfast, not scouring my brain through to-do lists and not checking e-mails in between singing songs or playing games.  Having a huge chunk of work done before the afternoon puts me at ease, and enables me to only deal with work emergencies (if they arise).  And my baby, fed and well rested, is also a lot more happy when awake.  

Today, I was especially proud of myself for having sent in the agenda and details for my weekly 8 AM - 10:30 AM operations and team calls, having fed Jordan and put him to sleep and having sent my husband off to play basketball ... all by 8 PM!  I am now happily relaxed and writing whilst jamming to my Pandora Sweet Disposition radio station.  As I went to grab a cup of water with a slice of lemon (yes I also now have slices of lemon in a ziploc for my water), I found myself spontaneously dancing my way back to the computer.  Spontaneous dance parties are the best!  And you know what... despite not getting to go out as much with mom buds and not having the hot mom wardrobe or tight abs I had hoped for, I am happily skipping a bit... moving my hips... banging my head up and down... letting my hair go out of control.... and loving it.  I am young (yes I am!), I am free, and I am in control.  Yes!! Spirit fingers... I am a winner tonight!

Jordan's already asleep.. but if he were awake and dancing with me.. this is the face he'd make...

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