Wednesday, February 29, 2012

When's It My Turn?

When I first started working part time from home, I thought I had it made.  I thought, this is the life - I could never imagine being a mom full-time.  I have got the best of both worlds.. my cake and eating it too!  Being a full time mom would be so dull, routine, and mindless.  What would I do with all the extra time?  But the truth is, once Jordan stopped sleeping on his back for more hours than he was awake, I started wondering when can I just be a mom?  I started to realize how long it actually takes to send an e-mail or call in payroll or download invoices.  Or how time consuming feeding, playing, singing songs, and running errands with child really was.  The minutes started to matter and I longed for the time that was being taken away by the job for which I could be spending with Jordan.   I resented the time at night I was chained to my laptop and even with what little deadlines I was held to, it started to feel restricting.  And then I began to work during the day, focusing on work during his naptime.. and it got better.  I know there will always be other distractions from motherhood that can feel overwhelming and demanding, even if I didn't have a part time job.  But I can't help but feel like the job is currently taking up all the other free time I do have.

When's it my turn?  Wouldn't I love, love to explore the world of motherhood? How doth that be... *sigh...wish I could be ... part of that world.

For now, I am making do and finding joy in the part time job.  I am appreciating the free i-Pad my boss gave me for Christmas.  I am appreciating the wonderful macbook and iPhone I use for work.  I am appreciating the paycheck every two weeks.  I am appreciating the flexibility.  Having a good attitude really can change an outlook tremendously.

At night, when I'm washing the dishes... I sometimes hear a voice that asks me why did you go to college so you could do the dishes?  And in that moment, I can respond to my own insecurities and silly thoughts with so I could learn to be philosophical while I clean or so I can learn to manage my own load instead of I DON'T KNOW! or Why me?!

At the Power of Moms retreat back in December, one of my favorite sessions was from Saren Loosli about thought replacement.  Similar to hormone replacement, it's to dispose those unhelpful and taunting thoughts that we all get from time to time.  We replace it with other uplifting ones that can push us to be better and help us to be positive.  Over time, we have discarded those nasty unhelpful thoughts for beautiful useful ones.  When I look in the mirror and see a woman who's begun to let herself go, I think... bad lighting, better put on some make-up and get some more sleep!  I much prefer that to ... dang girl, you look tired.  

It may not be my turn yet... but changing my perspective for when it is my turn.. that is what I have decided to do.

This is much funnier than a photo of Ariel.  Seen in Sacramento...

1 comment:

Chris and Paige Evans said...

Some day the hubbies will have jobs that actually bring in money and we can be stay-at-home-moms. Until then... I applaude you and you can do it!! :)