Everyday, I feel more and more like a mom. I can't help but feel the overwhelming love and desire to want to kiss and hug my little boy all day long. I look at him longingly, miss him when he takes a nap (albeit it I am also elated for the time to do much also), and scroll through all my photos and videos of him from the day before I go to sleep. I think about everything I need to do, the meals I am going to make, I plan, I organize, I budget, and I love it all lately! Maybe it's the beginning of the year. Maybe it's us coming off of a family sickness. Maybe it's the fact that it's not snowing anymore! Maybe it's the fact that we're heading to the mall for a playdate soon. Whatever ... it is awesome.
I can't seem to get enough of Jordan lately and I have never been more grateful to be home with him everyday as I am now. I have never been more grateful to have a part-time job from home that allows me to grab him breakfast, change his diaper, and all while being on a conference call. I also think it's because I'm finally becoming a mom. In the real happy sense. Before, I feel like I was just going through the motions, doing what I needed to do, loving it sometimes, but also dreading it often, wondering how I'd get it all done, having a negative attitude that I had to push myself out of and looking for support everywhere I could get and really, more empathy from others also in my state of mind. These days, I feel quite confident, like I know what I'm doing, like I've got the hang of things, like I'm no longer a newbie, and like I'm doing something right. And yet, right when things are expected, doable, and almost easy (on some days), Baby Ethan will change all of that... but in a way, I'm excited. It's like a new project! A new opportunity! A new work assignment! A new responsibility!
Call it pregnancy hormones, call it insane motherly love, but I have been feeling that gushing feeling of pure love that so many moms talk about and I often feel so far from. I have been staring at my son during my weekly morning call with so much happiness, watching him feed himself pancakes (I cut for him), watching his excitement over the balls and puppets on Sesame Street, and reveling in the joy of the rest of our planned day together. A lot of nothing but hanging out and having fun interspersed with some household chores.
I've also come to realize I am much happier mommy and person when things are in place, even if that means a few more minutes or work on my part at the end of the night. I don't care if it gets messy during the day, it's important that it looks well kept and orderly when I awake in the morning. I've come to realize I am a much happier mommy and person when I cook with some music on. It doesn't matter if I can barely hear the music or only jam to it for a little, it just has a way of making it better. I've come to realize I am a much happier mommy and person if I have a great breakfast. And by great, I mean something I want that might take some time to put together - an omelette, a smoothie, a parfait, or a breakfast sandwich with fruit. That morning kickoff sets the tone at the top (that's me!) and really creates high morale in our household for the day. And I've come to realize, nothing will remind you of how great motherhood is until your little one gets sick and you realize, you had it pretty easy before sickness. Coming off of a viral something that got to our entire family, I am exceptionally happy that we are all good now. Nothing like a bunch of foopies (fart poops), diarrhea, vomiting, and lethargic and sad baby to remind you healthy is good.
Here's to motherhood. And loving it! And becoming a mom. Day by day... here I go!