Friday, January 4, 2013

For Selfish Reasons...

I really wanted number two to be a girl.  I wanted another female presence in the house with me.  I wanted to play with dolls, stuffed animals, Hello Kitty, ruffles, pearls, and make-up.  I wanted a chandelier in the nursery, an overload of lace and purple, and to watch My Little Pony and Strawberry Shortcake on TV.  I wanted the easy bake oven I never got, the kitchen set I never had, and the dress up clothes I never owned.

But for some reason, as soon as the first trimester was over, I just knew it was a boy.  I just knew Jordan was going to have another brother and best buddy ever.

If I set aside my own selfish reasons for wanting a girl, I knew that a boy was the most practical and sensical next step.  Jordan would have a built in best friend and playmate, the toys wouldn't double in size and could be used for both boys, and the super cute clothes Jordan only got to wear once would come into play again.  And, knowing we would continue trying to grow our family, there would be ample future opportunities to have a girl.

But still... I hoped and wished and dreamed.

And then I had a conversation with Heavenly Father.  Somehow, I thought if I told him I wanted a boy, I'd get a girl.  Eventually, the conversation became help me to be happy no matter what.  Help me to see the silver lining, help me to be grateful for the many blessings I do have.  Like the healthy son, the happy son, the energetic and independent son.  The supportive husband, the loving husband, the awesome husband that was willing to wait until the baby was born to find out the gender (if I so desired).

And then this morning, we went to the ultrasound.

Now I'm no ultrasound technician, but even I could see our baby was flaunting his goods.  There was, without a doubt, a pee pee between his legs, and more than five times, he wanted to show us so.  I was a little disappointed, not because it was a boy, but because I felt guilty for wanting a girl so badly that I forgot how beautiful the entire process of this is.  I was disappointed in myself for letting the gender become that big of a deal.  Of course it's nice to have both, but it's also just nice to have kids period.  And I think I forgot that part during the whole is it a boy or girl thought process.  I also forget that in that growing abdomen of mine, there is actually a human being being nurtured who will make his debut in half a year and how dang amazing is that.  I had let all the desires of wanting a girl versus a boy take over the pure joy of having a baby itself, and I had forgotten the pure beauty of it all.

Jordan and Andy both also witnessed the pee-pee show, but then Jordan grew impatient so Andy and him left while the intern (no offense but never let an intern do your ultrasound, it took forever!) tried to find all the necessary parts.  Over the course of an hour and a half, I saw the baby try to suck on his fingers, missing a few times, and then trying again.  I saw the baby's big foot, many times as he stubbornly lay there, refusing to turn for the technician as she hoped.  I saw an up close snippet his nose and lips, resembling much of the rest of the family with very thick lips, and I saw what in my mind, was him waving at his mommy, saying "It's going to be okay Mom, even if you don't get a daughter right away, I'll try to marry a good girl who will love you like a daughter."

And I do get two dances with both sons when they get married.  So I'll just think of that and revel in the joy of having yet another boy!  It's a boy!  And I think it's going to be great....!  We already have a name and a nickname, but for now.. the nickname will be Bubba!

view from bottom of butt looking up

big foot!

1 comment:

Chris and Paige Evans said...

Yeah, Jordan will love having a little brother to pester and vice versa. You should get some tips from Haylee Carlston about getting the gender you want next time - they're 4 for 4!