Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Working Mom

Sometimes when I read other mom's blog posts about how wonderful motherhood is despite all the hard work, pain, and suffering, I stop for a moment.. then I close their post and think some awful mean thoughts before I scold myself and repent.  I then wonder why I don't feel the same.  I tell myself to be more positive.  To look up.  Find the silver lining.  To turn that frown upside down.  Find the joy in every moment.  To be of good cheer.

But it's not always so easy. ...

I'm no Positive Patty... in fact, I'm quite opposite... I'm in the Negative Nancy ring and work has helped put me here.

Motherhood is great.  AWESOME.  AMAZING!  UNBELIEVABLE!   I really do genuinely love many of the moments, even the ones where I am losing patience and asking Heavenly Father for some much needed help (feels constant to be honest) because I realize how much I have to learn, how much I have to grow still, and how kind my cute son is to put up with me.  The joy that comes with the good... the tender smiles and giggles Jordan offers, the way he hugs or kisses me, the way he learns something new each day... that stuff is priceless and it's the stuff I live for.  But you know what sucks?!

Being a failure at work.  The part-time work that is.

Between trying to find time to send an e-mail, messing up on work stuff constantly (or so it feels), I just can't do it all.  Something has to give.  I need a break more than once a day and yet I try again.. how can I make this more efficient?  What can I cut out of my life?  What can I do to get a bit more time?  How can I improve my routine?  I'm like a broken record of a motherhood consultant, always trying to find a way to be better, to minimize the unnecessary, maximize the time savings...change the order, alter the approach, think outside the box, sleep a little less, sacrifice something else, get help from others, try it all again....  And the truth is... I've slowly lost an edge I used to have when it comes to work.  I'd like to think it's inevitable, but I think it just means I suck.  I'm slowly not as on top of things as I used to be when it comes to work stuff.  Things I should know about, things I should have a working knowledge about, they get missed.  Overlooked.  Neglected.  I make careless mistakes.  I make stupid mistakes.  I make newbie mistakes.  And it feels horrendous to suck at work.

There was an article I read recently about women not ever being able to have it all - work and family.  I don't disagree, but I never wanted it all.  I wanted part of it...?  I'm a part-time worker and a full-time mom.  And I love both of my jobs.  The working gig brings in cash.  Brings in the company of other professionals.  Brings in another perspective.  Makes me think.  Lets me use excel.  But at the same time, I really do not like, in fact, I detest, loathe, and abhor, being bad at work.  I like to be good at what I do, but who doesn't?  I prefer to excel, not suck.  And while motherhood is more subjective, this whole work thing is not.

So what to do working moms out there?  Does your work product suffer or is it just me?

I have to remind myself that it's hard to be a working mom (even part-time), but that it's worth it.  I honestly love my job.  I know many other moms who work part-time who also love their job.  There used to be a joke about this club that there is for people who hate their jobs.. it's called everybody and apparently they meet at the bar.  Well, not me!  Here's to being grateful for the things I have.. including a job I can potentially suck at quite a lot as of late.

A reminder of the perks of work.  Our quarterly meetings in beautiful Manhattan Beach.
Business casual never looked so good.
Our company has two businesses and for the search one (pictured here), there are only two women.  I'm special!


Jessica said...

It's hard being a mom and work at the same time. Some people can do it and I've noticed that I'm not one of them, especially since Justin is a resident. I mean being a Resident's wife and a mom is hard enough because Justin works long hours. (I'm sure Andy does too). That's why I've decided to go down in hours at work. I'll be working 2 shifts a month and you know what, I'm pretty sure I'll be a better mom because of it. It was a hard decision. I guess it's Justin's turn to make the money and it's been pretty fun spending his money! haha.

Sarah said...

I think it comes down to priorities. Don't take that the wrong way, I'm not implying that I know what you're priorities should be. But you can't have it all, so whether it's getting a babysitter so you can work or working less hours so you can be a mom more, you have to find what the priority is right now. Hang in there! Pray :)

Chris and Paige Evans said...

I know how you feel. I'm thiiiiiiis close to calling it quits at my job... but I love it so much!

SupaFlowaPowa said...

Thank you guys! I am definitely putting the mom gig above the job gig which is why I suck at the job gig, I just hate sucking but since I'm so secretly competitive, I know I will just make it work somehow, even if it means giving up blogging (*gasp!... never!)

Larry Williams said...

Hi Daisy! I try not to bother you with my comments but this one again I have to weigh in on. Regarding the job part not the mother part, First though I don't know you that well I have many friends that are your clone. Bright educated asian females who want to excel at everything. These are people I love to hire or ride the train with. Regarding sucking at your job, jobs are very fluid. Making mistakes is part of the professional world including the financial one. Its amazing how you can feel bad about your work one day and a few days later be flying high. When you (especially you) feel like you did a terrible job, you have probably fallen to a level of "B" or "B+" work compared to your normal "A" work. But that is usually only temporary. Its just like when your son makes a mistake. You don't immediatly give up on him being a good kid, its just a set back. If you feel you did badly or made a mistake at work, you can always turn that around and your long term reputation will not be tarnished. Its like the time I went to Council to talk about our budget and took the wrong book. I survived and they didn't fire me. Later that job got me a much better job.

Thats just a long way of saying, I am sure your boss and coworkers still think you are as talented as ever, so just work on the mistakes an all will be well!