I am missing real life though, especially when I can see the amazing sunny weather from my large windows. Walking around. Doing stuff. Going places. Driving places. Working on spreadsheets. Sitting up. Working out. Thinking about the new house deco. Even doing laundry, cooking, and cleaning. But most importantly, spending time with Andy and Jordan, especially Jordan who is a staple of my life all day. I miss it so so much.
But for now, my prime objective is to, as the doctor's put it, "be boring and stay rested," so baby Ethan can cook a bit longer inside of me instead of the NICU.
When everything happened insanely quickly after my Wednesday appointment when the doctor realized my cervix was opening from within and the baby was breached, we were so blessed and lucky to have so many friends around to help out with Jordan. Jordan didn't even know anything was off. Then, May, Andy's mom, was able to arrange a flight out to be with us (for who knows how long at this point...) on Thursday and has been with Jordan while I'm in the hospital and Andy is at the hospital working. We are so so lucky that she could come out to be with us and help us out. She has been learning the semi-complex driving roads of Spokane and getting out with Jordan and I feel so comforted knowing Jordan is with Grandma all day long.
Every day, I get to see Andy if work is light (not often), if he has some spare time to come finish his notes in my room, and when he drops off my lunch. Then, for dinner, I get to see May, Andy, and sweet little Jordan who's face always lights up when he's strolled into my room before he goes insane running after the hospital curtain and trying to look out the big windows in my room. It's not for long and I know he will forget who Mommy if I do make it through four more weeks to term, but I suppose it's a small price to pay for being able to take Ethan home with us.
I know it's only been four days, but I feel like everytime I see Jordan, his hair has grown so much and that he gets taller everytime I see him. I can't believe how much quicker he seems to change when I don't see him every second of the day.
I'm nervous about a lot of things right now, but trying my best to relax and just focus on cooking the baby inside of me. My mind races often to a million places and sometimes I'm lost in a sea of bewilderment, wondering why I'm going through pre-term labor. I always thought only those carrying twins went into pre-term labor and the rest were very rare cases. Alas, I am one of them now. I also find myself thinking... well, I have been so healthy during this entire pregnancy, working out, eating right, and the baby has always been healthy... so what exactly happened? Did I do something wrong? Why did my cervix open up? Was I too stressed? Was there too much going on? Is my body actually really weak and unable to handle it? Will this happen each pregnancy after also?
I know there's no rhyme or reason to it, but also that modern medicine has made it possible for me to be here, being boring all day long, watching Parenthood (my favorite new show!) and sleeping. I know there is no specific reason or maybe there are a lot numerous reasons, but one thing I do know is had I been alive in a different time, I might not be here anymore. Or my baby might not be here anymore. And for that, I am so grateful and willing to forgo all curious wonderings and just focus on staying hydrated, peeing, and laying on my side (defying gravity by not letting baby kick its way out of my cervix).
I'm not sure how much longer I'll be here. Probably until the baby comes but ideally, we'd like to cook him until week 37 which is a LONG four weeks (not four days) from now. Only today did I realize that means through Jordan's birthday, Mother's Day, and my own birthday (38 weeks), which is a bit sad but there are worse things and for now, I'm okay with just being boring from my hospital bed.
From my hospital bed,
the commode I used for the first two and a half days before I was taken off the IV and given bathroom privileges
the nice hotel looking couch and view of downtown Spokane
my trusty sidekick so far
like my little arm bracelet? It looks very punk rock.
I'm doing a-okay.
A photo I got showing me my son was okay while I was in the hospital. How I miss him so much!