I have a 32 oz mug that is consistently full of water which I empty at least 4-5 times a day. My main objective is to lie on my side, drink that water, and pee. Life seems pretty simple when your only MO is to drink and pee and stay in bed.
Everytime I go into the restroom within 4 steps of my bed, I stare at the shower which has a dangling piece of thing on it that won't stop moving. I wonder each time if it will be still when I go in next, and every time so far, it has continued to wiggle at me. It fascinates me.
I have become simply famished lately. I want to eat anything and everything and the only thing I look to the clock for is solace that it might almost be time to eat again. I know I am losing muscle mass and tone with each passing minute I lie in bed, but somehow the desserts and carbohydrates available are more appealing than the protein and fruit I once craved the first few days I was in the hospital.
I have become consumed by the show Parenthood and am almost completely done with all four seasons. When I take a respite and fall into a nap, I dream that I am in the show or interacting with the characters.
I wonder if my husband will come visit me if work slows down, but when he does come, I feel ashamed of my bed head and colorless face that greets him. I loathe my super short hair that cannot be tied up or pulled back without looking simple disgusting.
I look forward to the moment Jordan's face lights up when he's wheeled into my room. May and him come everyday around dinner along with Andy and we have dinner together. It's been so nice to have home cooked meals with May around and to hear about their day, to see Jordan so happy and watch him explore the hospital room which hasn't ceased to bore him quite yet.
My body has begun to ache from the muscle atrophy. It's made me think that a scary c-section might actually be a better alternative given how weak I am feeling, how will I push a watermelon out if the time comes?!
I am really happy to still have Ethan cooking on the inside instead of the ICU, but my fear of how much my hospital stay is costing us has also been creeping up on me. I know it's unlikely we will hit the deductible of $1,500 plus the out of pocket maximum of $5,000 after paying only 10% out of pocket after the initial deductible, but I am still really frightened by the unknown financial burden since we are also paying double utilities, double rent/mortgage, and a bunch of contractor costs for the Utah home.
Our scheduled trip to Utah for a week at the end of April is now cancelled. I haven't worried too much about the home and how we will get blinds in or curtains up or walls painted... I figure I have all the time in the world after we're physically in Utah and even as sleep deprived as I know I will be, I will have the use of my body to roam around and do things.
Our bodies are truly temples. I don't think I ever realized how much it did and how lucky I was to work out, walk, run, and whatever else bedrest will not let me do with it. Our minds, on the other hand, can get us into so much trouble over thinking and stressing out. For the most part, I've been able to let my mind dull out all day while sleeping or watching Parenthood and haven't thought about reality much. I think that's a good thing. Too much thought with not enough movement is not a good thing for me right now.