Well... after 12 days, I'm missing home so much. I want my bed, I want my husband next to me, and I want my son to cuddle with me in the morning. I am tired of sleeping in the hospital bed and even the beautiful flowers, kind visitors, and thoughtful presents don't cheer me up when I'm alone at night, about to go to sleep, and longing for home. I just want to go home! The only thing that seems to make me feel better is quietly crying to myself for a few minutes, wiping the tears away, telling myself to be strong, and getting ready for bed.
My mom calls me to ask me how I'm doing. "Any improvements, time to go home yet?" I don't think you understand Mom. It won't really improve at this point, the best situation is status quo. "Oh, so you're not going home soon?" she asks me. No, unfortunately not. If I do, it's because the baby's come and we don't want that quite yet.
Today, I am 34 weeks and 2 days. It's hard to look out further than a few days, but I suppose the next goal is to make it to 35 weeks which is five more nights.
The days are easy. The nights are also easy if I go to sleep. If I allow myself to stay awake, hearing the heart monitors of those next door, imagining myself at home, then I get depressed.
I know it's better for me to be alone at the hospital than for our baby to be alone in the NICU. But it's also scary. If I might go into labor in the middle of the night. If I might wake up with my water broken. If we'll have to have a c-section sometime between now and when I wake up next. So sometimes, I am afraid to go bed and end up lost in my own thoughts.
I also know that at this point, our hospital bill will already be insane and that we'll probably max out on our deductible and our out of pocket. But that doesn't make me feel any better when I think about our rent, mortgage, normal fixed expenses, and all the added costs of getting our home ready (grown up problems). I know we are going to be okay because of careful spending and a lot of savings over the years, but I hate seeing that number decrease in size. My old financial advisor once told me it was safe to have three months worth of expenses saved up in your checking account and even more in your savings for rainy day situations like me stuck in the hospital for 12+ days. I'm sure glad I heeded her advice, but still sore about having to pay those dang hospital bills, contractor invoices, car payments and student loan payments (those are the absolute worst!).
But then I have to be grateful for all the blessings also. For May being here to help us out and for Jordan adjusting so easily (he's happy as a clam and only asks for me on the ride home). For the job I can still do from hospital bedrest and am still getting paid for. For Andy working at the same hospital I'm stuck in so I actually get to see him twice, sometimes three times a day.
I guess it often feels easier to complain than to look to the brighter things, but I won't throw myself a pity party just yet because there is a lot to celebrate as well.
Nevertheless, I do miss home. Home sweet home.
And it will all be worth it when we have sweeet baby in our arms (hopefully instead of the NICU) and can go home to sleepless nights and infinity exhaustion.