Sometimes it's hard to remember two of my three kids were premies. They're all so healthy, on the charts, and beyond Dagny's petite size (I get a lot of random strangers asking me how old she is because she can walk, has insane eye hand coordination for even her age but is the size of a big 9 month old boy), one might never even guess. In fact, Bubba is so solid, he is almost busting out of size 3T pants even though he's still a few months away from turning 3. Big brother Jordan, on the other hand, can still fit into 2T pants if he wanted to, he's so slim. Alas, his height has required he start wearing bigger sized clothing.
Babies have been on my mind a lot lately. I want another child again and now that I've lost the baby weight, I feel ready to go after my life goals of having five children. The away rotations are halting my life goals a bit, but I go back and forth because who knows how long it will take to get pregnant anyway?! At this rate, the age gap between 3 and 4 is just growing bigger each passing day! It doesn't help that our third child is so far, so easygoing and the odd ball out most days.
People ask me if I'm crazy, don't I already have my hands full? Didn't I just have a baby? How can I even think of having another child? As a premie mom, a twice NICU mom, I am scared out of my mind. I don't know if my body is going to decide to have a baby again at 34 weeks. I don't know if my weird almost heart shaped uterus might trap a baby in breach position again. I don't know if my weird almost heart shaped uterus might mean my placenta has to be physically removed by the doctor again. I don't know how I will make trips to the NICU when I have three kids at home and one starting kindergarten. I don't know if I can handle another c-section. I don't know if I wanna go through another 5+ months of insecure self pity at not having anything to wear that I feel good in. I don't know if I want to be nauseous for three months straight with three kids 5 and under at home.
I don't know.
But I do know that I have always envisioned having a large family. I do know it took me forever (in my book) to find a man who could endure my crazy and wanted to be with me forever. I do know that man also happened to want a big family so I felt like I had hit the jackpot. I do know my body can't seem to handle it. I do know the baby will probably come early. I do know how dry my hands will get, how heavy my heart will become, and how stoically unemotional I will become as I try to digest it all. I do know the loud beeping and ringing of NICU monitoring alarms. I do know the dim pale yellow light of hospital corridors. I do know the late night juggling of a million pump parts while watching Netflix. I do know the hundreds of cords attached to my tiny little baby who I can only see for 30 minutes every 3 hours. I do know. ...and despite all that, I still want to try.
On the bright side, we already have a deep freezer, so any pumped milk will have a place to reside.
I want another baby. I just want my future pregnant me to know how much I wanted another baby right now. When I'm swollen, tired, annoyed, sick, etc. ... it'll be okay.